Article
“Can you please come over? I can barely move.” – I asked my friend as feelings of guilt and inadequacy simmered while my baby was crying in the next room. My back pain has flared, and suddenly the reality of being a disabled, immigrant parent has dawned on me – there was no village. I had Shira to call that day, and I was scared of the day she wouldn’t be available.
I vividly remember a conversation with my husband a few years back –when we both felt like an island in a sea of communities we could not penetrate.
We decided to try and create our village. For several months we put a concentrated effort into strengthening relationships. We invited people to our home, to go away, for play dates, to birthday parties and adult catch ups.
Being disabled means I cannot always do the hosting, or go for big walks. I need to be careful with the energy I spend to prevent flare ups. I cannot always join in, and many interactions ‘cost’ me more in energy than some of my peers.
Finding our people
Over time, other families and family members invited us back and organised catch ups. At the school picnic, others invited us to join and shared not only snacks and drinks but their interests and care. Family members invited us to events and picked up medications when we were sick.
Gradually and with effort put in by many, a village was starting to build.
When we’re at the park, Clair offers her home-baked cookies to my kids when I inevitably bring nothing – because getting to the park is taxing enough. When we’re having dinner, Rosey helps my kid if they need to reach up to something and I’m too slow to get up.
There are friends who notice when I need to sit, friends who walk slowly with me, and friends who take my kid’s school bag when I can’t.
There are my writing group friends who catch up after bedtime as I recline in a tracksuit, and my friend Natasha who recently suggested we hire a wheelchair – and by doing so, validated my access needs.
Since implementing the village project we have also asked for more help, and my in-laws have become instrumental in getting through our week. We ask them for help with anything from picking up the kids, to cooking dinner, to doing laundry.
The village for me includes not only family members and friends, but my more formal supports like my support worker, physiotherapist, and occupational therapist (OT). These people allow me to have the energy to write this piece or host. Before my OT suggested a lightweight stroller for instance, I could barely leave the house with both kids alone.
We now have new, renewed and deepened connections with family members and friends. Our kids have more opportunities to play with peers, and we are a part of a community.
These connections have grown so much that we were recently invited to two clashing Passover celebrations, after years of doing these myself.
We do not take our village for granted or expect it – because relationships and people change over time, we continue to prioritise the village, we focus on finding the right people, and on showing up for others.
Showing up
Parenthood taught me that in order to have a village I have to build it. And to build it I had to examine how I show up – I had to learn and practice asking for help, and how to help others in a way that’s accessible to me.
I build my village by showing up - by prioritising the Friday coffee with the school friends, by logging on to writing group sessions, by sending a message asking about a sick child, or by booking tickets. I build my village by hosting birthday parties and play dates, by volunteering on the school committee, and penciling a date for a mums’ dinner.
I cannot physically stand for hours at the park, but I can sit. I can take more of an organising role and that is valuable too. I can do the research for a friend’s birthday, suggest accessible ideas and have great conversations.
My village is not completed, it is constantly in construction – and that’s how I know it will keep working for us, because we are always building it around my family’s needs, and we found people who are willing to do the same.
The village is crucial – it is in the morning debrief after a rough night, it is in an after-school play, and in the weekend birthday party chats. Most of all, it is in the knowing that we’re not doing it alone.
Read more from our summer parenting mini series: