Scamp - Episode 5 - Lauren Edwards

Ashley Apap
This show was recorded on land that was stolen from the Wurundjeri people of the Kulin Nation. We acknowledge and celebrate the traditional owners of this land and their deep history of storytelling. We extend our acknowledgement to any Indigenous peoples who may be watching or listening, and particularly invite viewers to reflect on the plight of Indigenous people living with disability under colonialism.

Ashley Apap
Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. Hey, there you are. And here I am. Welcome to Scamp, the silliest place this side of hell. I'm Ashley Appapp, of course. And if you don't know who I am, where have you been?

Ashley Apap
I'm pretty special. I'm pretty beloved by at least my parents. And I feel like your parents, maybe to anyone listening or watching, I feel like they love me. Or at least like me. You know, parents, I'm always like, oh my God, what a beautiful home.

Ashley Apap
And like, oh my God, you did such a good job raising them. So I think your parents would like me. Speaking of parents, I've got to make a phone call. And that segue might make you think that I had to call my parents.

Ashley Apap
But they've asked me to stop calling every time I have a new ward. So am I just like, call my friend instead? I just need to check on him. I don't mean to brag, but I'm close personal friends with International Superstar Paul Giamatti.

Ashley Apap
So I'll just talk to him about it. You know, I mean, I doubt he's ever experienced warts because he's like so fresh faced. He's balls deep in a new script. So I'm I'll just I'm sure he'll call me back.

Ashley Apap
He'll call me back. I completely forgot actually that I have a friend here with me. Well, the incredible comedian friend, dare I say. Legend Lauren Edwards is here. Wow. Thank you so much for coming and hanging out with me in my little my little place.

Lauren Edwards
I'm so happy to be here. So I'm thrilled.

Ashley Apap

Was there was the journey in through the slides?

Lauren Edwards
It was quite lovely. It was like coming through the birth canal. Well, there is...

Ashley Apap
and a lot of lube that I pour down there for my guests to enter. So that's Canon.

Lauren Edwards
Yeah, I loved it. I had a great time. Thank you so much for asking.

Ashley Apap
You're so welcome. Now, I'd like to ask you a little bit about your favourite time of year.

Lauren Edwards
Wow, okay. I would have to say my favourite time of year, I mean this is quite cringe, but I think my favourite time of year is Christmas. Well look, there's presents. Well there's presents. No one cares if you don't do any work because it's like, it's Christmas who cares.

Lauren Edwards
Like if it's December and you're like, I didn't get it done, sorry, people are like cool, whatever. Like no one gives a shit. I'm not going to be mad at you. I also just like am such a basic bitch, I just love sparkly things like tinsel and decorations.

Lauren Edwards
I love it all. I love it. Like the sparkles on my side. Love it, like I love it. I'm into it. I love Christmas so much. Christmas is one.

Ashley Apap
wonderful. Christmas is when you put aside the capitalist nightmare. Yes, correct. A lot of it. A lot of it is the there is you know, presence, joy. Yes. And of course, from the Barbie in this continental

Lauren Edwards
I mean, listen, I'm from Queensland. We don't cook the shrimp. We just eat it. You just eat it. You're old. You just, you can, we just rhoda.

Ashley Apap
to the ocean. Yep. You've got some kind of stick it out with your speed.

Lauren Edwards
or you know with your claw whatever you've got. Yeah yeah whatever you've got you know in your arsenal just run straight into the ocean. Whatever you've got in your ass. All that also that's fine and just you know just rip it open just raw dogged you know.

Lauren Edwards
Do you think

Ashley Apap
that kid from the ad who said, his toe was head off and he ripped his guts out and his head went that way and his legs went that way. Do you think that inspired you for how you catch and destroy prawns?

Lauren Edwards
I think he was copying off us, to be honest. I think the other way round. Cause that's how you eat a prawn. You rip the head off and the legs go that way and the head goes that way and then you gobble him up.

Lauren Edwards
I think that was a bit of creative license that child was taking personally. Wow.

Ashley Apap
If he's out there and if he's listening right now or watching right now, I know I know you I want you to say straight into that camera I'm gonna say straight into this one and we're gonna say We know what you did.

Ashley Apap
We know what you did and we know that That was not your IP And I see you people

Lauren Edwards
I cup I see you didn't have an original thought, but you know what I forgive you

Ashley Apap
And that's what this is all about. Today's about forgiveness and friendship. That's right. The two F's.

Lauren Edwards
A third F? What's a third F? Facking? No, sorry.

Ashley Apap
It's, you know what it is? It's farting during fucking. Sex farting? Sex farting, otherwise known as queefs. Queefs, so the two Fs in the queue. Sorry, I almost forgot today's sponsor. Today's episode of Scamp is sponsored by rage.

Ashley Apap
If anyone figures out a way to express it. Just let me know.

Lauren Edwards
Yeah.

Ashley Apap
Lauren, it is now time for me to hear a story from you. Something cheeky or mischievous or just a little moment where you're a little scamp. Red mark.

Lauren Edwards
Listen, I think this is kind of a little collection of little things tied together, but basically the story is that I am a thief. Breaking news. Breaking news. Please don't arrest me. But I am a thief in that.

Lauren Edwards
And I don't steal from people or individuals. Don't worry, I'm not going to skim your bags or anything like that. But like, you know, grocery chains or hotels or, you know, if it's not nailed down, I'll probably take it.

Lauren Edwards
I do think that I started quite a trend five years ago by encouraging all of my friends to steal from this Woolworth self -checkout. You know, like, you start off small limes as brown onions, etc. Everything is brown onions.

Lauren Edwards
That's right. And now I have friends who like steal like full bottles of shampoo and conditioner. Like, they're just living their best lives and I kind of love it. You know, like I used to ferrivate all the time.

Lauren Edwards
I still do. Please don't, again, please don't arrest me. I don't use public transport anymore. Not since the pandemic.

Ashley Apap
officers out there. Don't, we don't know it. Don't.

Lauren Edwards
You know what, and even... If you saw me doing it, no you didn't. I didn't. When I was in school, no, uni, I always wanted, something I always wanted to steal was a street sign with my name on it. Oh, yes.

Lauren Edwards
That was like, to me, that was like the thing. Like if you're gonna be a petty thief, you have to steal a street sign that has your name on it. Of course. But I'm not very strong, so I could never get, I don't know how to, how do you get them?

Lauren Edwards
I don't know.

Ashley Apap
I wouldn't say I know how to get most things. And screwed health insurance. I don't know. I don't know. Jobs, friends. Couldn't tell you. I don't know how you got here. You just fell into the same.

Lauren Edwards
I just closed my eyes and I arrived. I don't know. But yeah, I always wanted one of those and couldn't get it, didn't know how to do it myself. And my 17 year old brother for my birthday. And how old were you at this time?

Lauren Edwards
I was 20 and he was 17. And I, we weren't particularly close back then, you know, like what do you have in common? And he rolled up on my birthday and presented me with this wrapped, this big flat heavy thing that was wrapped in wrapping paper.

Lauren Edwards
And it was a street sign with my name on it. And I said to him, is this real? And he was like, he said, yeah, because he went down to this street in Brisbane at two in the morning with his best mate and a crowbar and a crate.

Lauren Edwards
And they stole it for me. And then we had to tell my mother that he had it made. It was a special thing so that she wouldn't, you know, like freak out. Freak out.

Ashley Apap
Now was it Lauren Court?

Lauren Edwards
It was Lauren Lane. Oh, that's so good. Isn't it good? I love alliteration. Yeah. Stunning. Stunning. Wonderful. I still have it. I will never throw it away. I don't think you ever should. No, it is the most valuable thing I own.

Ashley Apap
feel that way about like name printed things in shops. Because my, I would say that your name is probably on everything that you can count on. Well it is now.

Lauren Edwards
but when I was younger it never was. Yeah, no, no. My name... Your name was on everything when I was a kid. Ashley was everywhere. Lauren, no.

Ashley Apap
But often the spelling was... Different. It depended. It was always like 50 -50 whether it will be there or not. You know, I would say me and 50% of other female people born in 1995 have my name. Mm -hmm.

Ashley Apap
Or I feel like, what's another name that's similar? Like Jessica? Jessica, oh yeah, absolutely. But yeah, mine's EY, not Ali IGH. And in Australia, most athletes are Ali IGH.

Lauren Edwards
Yes, unless, yeah, that's the spelling if you're born female, right? And then males are, yeah.

Ashley Apap
My spelling is, yeah, was from a last name. Originally a last name. There you go. Although, as I always say, L -E -I -G -H, horse girls. Now, I'm going to ask you a few questions. Are you okay? I'm nervous, but okay.

Ashley Apap
Okay, do you promise to say the truth, nothing but the truth, so help you? Question mark? I promise. Got it. Now, Lauren, my first question is, what's your favorite sweet treat?

Lauren Edwards
It's a big question. This is a really hard question.

Ashley Apap
Does it home? Have a think about what your favorite sweet treat is right now. My favorite sweet treat is ice cream.

Lauren Edwards
I love ice cream.

Ashley Apap
do.

Lauren Edwards
What's your favourite flavour? That's so hard. I mean, I love all the flavours. The more flavour, the better. Like, I like complicated flavours.

Ashley Apap
Are you talking like a fruity flavor, a dairy flavor?

Lauren Edwards
You know what I love? I love a lemon and chocolate combo. I don't know if you know, but it's very popular in Europe. I'm very cultured.

Ashley Apap
Oh, something I feel a power dynamic shift.

Lauren Edwards
This is my house. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to brag. I'm so sorry. Woo! Okay. You know, like I like a common...

Ashley Apa
My favourite of all time, get yourself down to a cold rock, not sponsored. Get banana, get cake battered, two different flavours of ice cream. Okay. Get them to mix them together, get a bunch of maltises and crush that shit up inside it.

Lauren Edwards
And that's my favourite ice cream. I think if I had to name an actual flavour, it's Baskin and Robin's Pralines and Cream. We love all of them.

Ashley Apap
ice cream franchises. I would, yeah, we love them all. I don't care. And then if you follow up question, yes please. Can anyone ever really have it all? And if so, how do I get it and keep it for myself?

Lauren Edwards
depends what you define as all I suppose Ashley. Ice cream all of it. Then I mean yes you can could you eat it all no I think that would be I mean a misguided decision.

Ashley Apap
I've recently found out that I'm so curious and fructose intolerance, so I probably can't have it.

Lauren Edwards
any of it? I mean probably not. Too much ice cream gives me the dairy farts and that's you know. DFs. But then you know that's everything as well like you would have everything you'd have the dairy and the farts that go with it I guess.

Ashley Apap
Another fart's not part of the experience. I think they are. What would life be without farts? They're farting, I don't know. Oh, oh my God, I'm just, I've got a phone call. Oh my God, it's probably Paul.

Ashley Apap
Oh my God, it might be Paul. Oh my God, do you mind calling me back? Do you mind telling me? I'm excited, I'm excited. Hello.

Josh Trotsy
What the fuck?

Ashley Apap
Oh God, oh my God, it's Josh Trotsy. I'm so sorry, he's like, editoriously loose cannon. Okay.

Josh Trotsy
break into my house last night?

Ashley Apap
Well, it's not technically breaking and entering if the door's open unlocked.

Josh Trotsy
That is completely incorrect. I knew it was you. What did you do? Every room smells horrifically pungent in a disturbingly unique way.

Ashley Apap
Those are my signature scents. One of the scents of death? Yes.

Josh Trotsy
Did you kill something and hide it in my house?

Ashley Apap
Look, I cannot talk to you right now. Okay, I'm a little bit busy. Actually, I have to go make a really big mess in a pair of pants that I stole off your bathroom floor. So, um.

Josh Trotsy
What? Oh, Micah, please. Bye.

Ashley Apap
Yeah, it's got great taste.

Lauren Edwards
Yeah, absolutely. Capri's a back, I didn't know.

Ashley Apap
You heard it here first. Josh is really, really into the trends. OK. He's a big guy in fashion. Look him up. I will. I will, absolutely. Yeah, he's wearing everything he wears, he wears a well.

Lauren Edwards
If you can work a pre as well, I salute you.

Ashley Apap
So we both are beautiful, talented, wonderful. We're actually pranking anyone watching this who didn't know that this is secretly... Not so secretly. ...a podcast made by and with disabled artists. So if you're an ableist, cuck out there, you just got got.

Ashley Apap
We just got you. Got you so bad. You've been fooled, fooled. You've been fooled. And now to celebrate our disabledness and also just let out some steam. I'm going to get out a timer and give you one minute to lose your mind if you want.

Ashley Apap
You can be as aggressive as you feel about... Well, what if I'm not aggressive? I'm a nice girl. You can be whoever or whatever you want. Okay. You're going to have a minute to talk about the most ridiculous suggestions that an able -bodied person has made in order for you to quote, cure or fix and quote your disability.

Ashley Apap
Do you feel up to this challenge? I feel pretty up to it. Okay. Here we go. Your time starts.

Lauren Edwards
Now. Okay, so to begin with, I just wanna start by saying the first one that annoys me the most is when people tell me that it might have something to do with me having the COVID vaccine, annoying. Like, I feel like that's pretty like, you know, widespread though, I don't think that's just specific to me, but there's always someone who's like, oh my God, I think it was the COVID vaccine.

Lauren Edwards
It's like, actually I've had this for like 20 years, but thank you for your suggestion. I think the most, the funniest one though, that always bothered me is that, now listen, I love a little bit of Woo Woo, okay?

Lauren Edwards
I have tarot cards, I'll charge a crystal, you know, I'll save your room if I have to, no problem, but I do get, there's a line, there's a line. And I once had this woman tell me when I was having a really bad flare, because my disability means that I get really like, terrible pain flares where I can't barely walk and whatever.

Lauren Edwards
And I was complaining about it as I like to do on social media. And this woman that I know contacted me to tell me that, actually in fact, my pain is simply just a manifestation of trauma in my body, most likely from, perhaps I think you, she might've even said, oh my God, there's a minute already.

Lauren Edwards
You're going. Something about it being a sexual trauma. And I was like, no, but wait a minute, like this is, I've had this since I was a child, like I don't understand. And like also, I probably have had it since birth.

Lauren Edwards
So like, even if it was my trauma, and I meant to like undo that trauma through somatic release or whatever the fuck that is, how am I supposed to go back to being born? I don't remember it. Like I don't remember any of it.

Lauren Edwards
So I think that was probably the most annoying one. You know what, I think about it.

Ashley Apap
every day. How are we supposed to go back to being born? Because I mean I didn't ask for this. I'm here now. Yeah here I am. I'm doing the best with what I got. Let's say we're all doing the best we can.

Ashley Apap
Yeah. We've both got head jog mugs. Well and we've got this beautiful you know I mean this beautiful home but I would argue we can never go back. You really can't. Until time travel. Correct. So if there's any time travel artists out there and that is what they would be called I'm assuming.

Ashley Apap
Give me a call.

Lauren Edwards
Time travel artists or like time, time benders? Bend time. Bend time. Like train drivers but time drivers, you know? Time comptrollers. Oh that's cute. Time comptroller. I love that. Here we go. Is that what Doctor Who is?

Lauren Edwards
I don't know. I just think of, and I don't mean to be fatphobic but the fat comptroller from...

Ashley Apap
Almost a tech engine. That was his official name on the call sheet. Well, that's right. It's the character name. Also, why is Doctor Who not called Doctor When? If he's a time lord. I've got nothing to think about.

Ashley Apap
I've got a big question there, Ashley. Yeah. I'm, I'm, I'm pretty. She's, uh...

Lauren Edwards
She's thoughtful. She's got all the big questions today.

Ashley Apap
I'm gonna play a little game where I think, we're both dog lovers, aren't we? Yes, I have a dog. You have one of the cutest dogs I've ever seen in my life. Thanks so much. I would love for us to, we're just gonna do like a beat, just like go and take in turns saying dog breeds until one of us can't think anymore and then that person loses.

Ashley Apap
Okay. And then the winner gets respect. Ha ha ha. Sound good? Great. All right, here we go. Shih Tzu, Chihuahua, Poodle, Pug, multiple dogs.

Lauren Edwards
Altis Terrier. Dash Hound. Fox Terrier. Cavoodle. Kick Chalks Cavalier. Ozzie Terrier. Schnauzer. Suki Terrier. Italian Greyhound.

Ashley Apap
I've lost all your respect. Lauren's got all of it now. Cos I failed.

Lauren Edwards
I think maybe you didn't fail, maybe you just got overwhelmed by your love for dogs.

Ashley Apap
really is a great pivot from the despair and terrible, horrible feelings of

Lauren Edwards
I still respect you, Ashley. Elia, thank you. You're welcome.

Ashley Apap
Legally, no one else that's consuming this is allowed to now. Right. That was the rule. So it's like a legal thing. They now have to respect you over me.

Lauren Edwards
Great. I mean, is that mandated? I'm not mad about it. Ah, yeah, there is, there are.

Ashley Apap
as a safety officer who once the pandemic quote ended, it's not over. They just were shifted to this job instead. I'm really firm about work being adaptable. Okay, well, I love that. Which is why I actually got a new job.

Lauren Edwards
Congratulations. What's your new job?

Ashley Apap
Trying. Okay, myself to sleep. I used to have someone else do it, but they actually... They got a promotion, so... Oh. Yeah.

Lauren Edwards
Well, I mean, you get paid to do it, so that's nice.

Ashley Apap
Now, Lauren, I'm very sad to say, speaking of grown, that our time together is almost over. Well, that is sad. We'll have to push you back up the slide.

Lauren Edwards
which gonna have to get a bigger bottle of lube I think. Yeah I think so.

Ashley Apap
I've got like box applied. We have one more sponsor. Okay. We're so grateful to all our sponsors. Can I just get you to read it?

Lauren Edwards
Please, absolutely. I mean, I used to do TV presenting.

Ashley Apap
Well, yeah, I heard I thought that your expertise would come in handy. Thank you so much.

Lauren Edwards
This episode has been proudly sponsored by Black Mold. Lovely. It's all the rage right now, which is why I've been spreading it to the homes of all my loved ones. Oh no. That's right. If we've hung out recently, you're the newest trend of, you're on the newest trend of having the sexiest, sleekest Black Mold on the market.

Lauren Edwards
Black never goes out of style. So jump on board the hottest trend and spread the good word, the word of Black Mold.

Ashley Apap
Does that mean that this black mold here now?

Lauren Edwards
I guess so. I mean I didn't write it, you did. You tell me babe.

Ashley Apap
I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just time to hangin' out at my house.

Lauren Edwards
I mean, sorry, the sponsor wrote it, so you'd have to ask them. Yeah, yeah, I'll call them. I'll call them. I'm sure it's fine. I've lived in houses with black mold, and I'm mostly fine. It's absolutely OK.

Lauren Edwards
I just have a chronic condition and a cold all the time. But that's just from trauma. Yeah, that's right. I just have to do a somatic release. Yeah. Thank you.

Ashley Apap
It's very real. Somatic release is what I call taking a shit. Perfect. Now, unfortunately, Lauren, I have to kick you out. No. Before you go, I'm going to put my foot, dare I say, in your ass, will be connected for a brief second, and then you'll hoist up into the sky and shoot up and out to wherever you're supposed to go.

Ashley Apap
Great. Perfect. I can't determine what that location is, but I guarantee you'll get there very quickly.

Lauren Edwards
which is a rarity in Melbourne. Absolutely. Getting anywhere quickly.

Ashley Apap
I mean, my joints may be arthritic, but my feet are still very powerful, you know? I have no doubt. Now, before you go, I have something to give you. Because you've really excelled at joining me on this kind of plane of existence that exists in like this silly realm of fun and cheekiness.

Ashley Apap
And I have here for you a PhD in Tomfoolery. Oh my God. I would like to award you with this. And you are officially a Tomfool. A Tomfool or a Scamp, if you will. And I will.

Lauren Edwards
Thank you so much. That's my dream. All my dreams coming true. I just want to thank my parents and I guess the makers of Lube for letting me like get here. Yeah, just anyone who's assisted on my journey to this moment.

Lauren Edwards
I'm going to go home and frame this for sure. Thank you. That means a lot.

Ashley Apap
the world to me. It was a lot of ink. It was a lot of ink.

Lauren Edwards
It looked like there is a lot of ink.

Ashley Apap
Where can people that are consuming this find updates about what you're doing? Do you have anything specific to plug?

Lauren Edwards
I don't have anything specific to plug because I am lazy, but if you would like to follow me or find me I am on Instagram and tiktok at live laugh Lauren underscore underscore And I do have a link tree, but I couldn't tell you the last time I updated it, but come and find me and we can be Tom fools Together

Ashley Apap
Lovely. This has been an absolute joy. Thank you. Give a comment on my weird little house. Oh, I've had the best time. It's alright. And everyone out there, thank you for, you know, put this in your ears, your eyes, and maybe your arse.

Ashley Apap
Stay safe. And don't forget, you can do everything. Oh, I just farted.