Scamp - Episode 6 - Olivia Muscat

Ashley Apap
This show was recorded on land that was stolen from the Wurundjeri people of the Kulin nation. We acknowledge and celebrate the traditional owners of this land and their deep history of storytelling. We extend our acknowledgement to any Indigenous peoples who may be watching or listening, and particularly invite viewers to reflect on the plight of Indigenous people living with disability under colonialism. Always was, always, always will be Aboriginal land. Welcome to Scamp, the silliest place this side of hell. I'm Ashley App. You might know me from one of those wanted posters that you see down at the sheriff's office. Or one of those milk cartons where they talk about silly, silly kids that are causing a ruckus. I'm all over those.

Olivia Musket
Love it.

Ashley Apap
Got a really good headshot for both of those, actually. Sun says a mug shot. Some say it's a headshot. I say I'm a star. Regardless, we are very lucky here at Scamp to have sponsors. Crazy. And here's our first sponsor for this episode. Today, Scamp is proudly sponsored by time. It may be an eternal prison that keeps us locked in an endless cycle of panic, but at least it's a good excuse to leave a shitty party time. Your best friend or your mortal enemy? Oh, speaking of time, actually, I think it's time for me to just grab my little phone here and call my dear, dear personal friend, superstar Paul Giamatti. Yeah, he's not answering my calls, it seems. All right, well, I'll talk to him later because I actually have two very incredible guests here today in my beautiful little home. I have the wonderful writer performer artist Olivia Musket is here, and her sweet, sleepy dog, Jemima, who has nothing to say.

Olivia Musket
So who is the real star?

Ashley Apap
I think it's you. Yeah. Thank you.

Olivia Musket
Not many people mean.

Ashley Apap
Look, she's beautiful. I've never seen someone sleep so peacefully. But I would argue that you are killing it because you're wearing the coolest teal jacket I've ever seen in my life.

Olivia Musket
Thank you.

Ashley Apap
Which matches my little house perfectly.

Olivia Musket
I have a habit of doing that. I just camouflage wherever I go.

Ashley Apap
It's incredible. And the moment you have, like, a little blue tinge at the end of your hair, too.

Olivia Musket
Oh, the growing out.

Ashley Apap
Growing out. I've got growing out. Disgusting orange in the bottom of mine. So we match.

Olivia Musket
Try to pretend it's not there. If I don't see it, it doesn't exist.

Ashley Apap
Exactly.

Olivia Musket
So nothing exists anyway.

Ashley Apap
That's how I deal with weird growths I have on certain parts of my body. Just don't see them. Not there now. Olivia.

Olivia Musket
Yes.

Ashley Apap
This might be alarming to people that are listening. It's not going to alarm. It's not going to make anyone feel weird or bad.

Olivia Musket
What have I done now?

Ashley Apap
Nothing. It's actually a wonderful thing. We technically met when we were, like, ten years old. Do you know this?

Olivia Musket
I don't have any memory of it, but I'm absolutely sure it's true.

Ashley Apap
Yeah, I'm pretty forgettable.

Olivia Musket
No, I just forget everything.

Ashley Apap
Well, so, without getting in a really weird way, you went to the school that one of my parents taught at and my. Dare I say, you know what I'm going to say. It's my mum. Shout out. She taught your brother?

Olivia Musket
Yes. Twice.

Ashley Apap
Twice. And I was, like, in her class. I think I was in, like, year four at the time. I think we're the same age. I think.

Olivia Musket
I think we might be.

Ashley Apap
Are you okay with the world knowing?

Olivia Musket
Yeah, look, I'm fine. I'm 29.

Ashley Apap
I'm soon to be 29.

Olivia Musket
There you go.

Ashley Apap
Oh, my God. Look at.

Olivia Musket
God.

Ashley Apap
Twins. Yes. So we would have been around the same age and I went into my mum's school and met her first class of preps. And your brother was.

Olivia Musket
Yes. Well, yeah, I was in grade four then, too. Yeah.

Ashley Apap
Right. And then now here we are, all these years later, just two queens wearing their crowns.

Olivia Musket
Where's my crown?

Ashley Apap
I did take it. I did take it because mine's in the shop. And I was like, surely she won't mind this time.

Olivia Musket
This once. I'll let it go. I'll let it slide.

Ashley Apap
I promise. I'll give it back to you before.

Olivia Musket
Any future podcasts, whatever. I need a great, great. Okay.

Ashley Apap
For anyone watching, sorry. For anyone listening, Olivia is not wearing a crown. And I promise I did not steal it, even though I just said I did. I'm just being cheekY. Now, Olivia, I would love for you to tell me and all the people ingesting this absolute garbage, mischievous story.

Olivia Musket
Okay, my garbage, mischievous story?

Ashley Apap Yes. You're not garbage.

Olivia Musket
No. My story is. I had thought about it a lot and I've come to the conclusion that I'm more of a shit stirr than a mischief maker.

Ashley Apap
Love shit here.

Olivia Musket
But it took me ages to come to this conclusion of this story. I was going to tell you something about me locking my brother and sister in a basement in my Nona's village.

Ashley Apap
Incredible.

Olivia Musket
But anyway, no, I've gone with. This is a story. I was in grade four at the time, actually, and we just been just.

Ashley Apap
Around the corner, which you were fate.

Olivia Musket
New house, brand new house that we'd moved into that my parents built. Beautiful new house, new school, new everything. New swimming lessons. It was the middle of winter. Oh, and important detail, like any bookworm of the early 2000s, worth their salt. I was obsessed with Andy Griffiths.

Ashley Apap
Oh, God. Aren't we all?

Olivia Musket
You were Andy Griffiths kid.

Ashley Apap
Of course. I think my favourite one was just crazy.

Olivia Musket
I don't remember what stories were in what thingies, what books, but just disgusting was my favourite. It did have the two brown blobs story, which was a wonderful. Which was a hoot. But I can't remember which of his books this story came from. But he took it upon himself to make himself a swimming pool in the shower. And his parents are having a dinner party. Do you know that one? And I think, so. Silicons up the shower, fills it up with water anyway. Ends up going naked through the kitchen ceiling. Anyway. I didn't think the naked through the kitchen ceiling thing was so good, but I really wanted to.

Ashley Apap
Oh, my God.

Olivia Musket
Have a swimming pool shower. But I did not take Andy's advice and use silicon.

Ashley Apap
Look.

Olivia Musket
I thought a face cloth would cut it, so I didn't silicon up the gap, the shower tray or anything. I just put a face cloth over and this was a post swimming, nighttime, winter, middle of winter shower. Oh, God. And I was having a good time washing my hair. It's like this water isn't getting very. Like, it's barely at my feet, like, oh, I'll get there eventually. I was not. It's still not going, like, why? Andy lied. Andy Griffiths lied to me. And then next thing I knew, my mother comes banging on the bathroom. Know what's happening? Anyway, very long story short, I had flooded the entire house because I wanted to be like Andy Griffiths. Actually, my room was fine, of course. My baby sister's room absolutely flooded her entire wardrobe. There was water in the ceiling, like, dripping down into my parents wardrobe. The power went out. My mom was screaming, this is a full on catastrophe. Yeah, just for some mischief. And then she made me ring my dad and he always says to me, I'll never forget that phone call. I thought someone had died because I was so, like, sombre. And Mum said I had to ring you because that's so funny. So maybe that's why I'm not such a mischief maker anymore. I had a bad experience.

Ashley Apap
That's amazing. Oh, my God. A face cloth as well. Not even, like, a full size towel.

Olivia Musket
Nothing good. Just a Looney Tunes face cloth.

Ashley Apap
Do you know which Looney Tunes run.

Olivia Musket
It it's probably like Tweety Bird or something. Yeah.

Ashley Apap
Tweety Bird would be on a face cloth. That's amazing. My mum reminded me recently of when I was between six and eight, I had flute lessons and I got to a point where I would just memorise. I wouldn't do my scales, I wouldn't practise. And to this day, my musical knowledge and ability is all ear based. I'm not good at theory.

Olivia Musket
Who needs to read music?

Ashley Apap
Exactly. Who needs to read music when you can just live music? You can interpret that however you want. And I said to her, she kept being like, you need to practise.

Olivia Musket
You need to practise.

Ashley Apap
And I was like, no, it's fine, no, I'm practising when you don't hear it, whatever. And the teacher called her and was like, look, your daughter is clearly not practising. And I've tried to encourage her. It seems like you've tried to encourage her. I just don't want to waste your money anymore. I think that you should just not.

Olivia Musket
Give up on the fluTe. Yeah.

Ashley Apap
And so my mum basically told me, word for word, what he said and scolded me and was very upset with me and said, you need to go in there and you need to practise, because I'm not. Not doing this anymore. We've put two years into this.

Olivia Musket
You can't give up now. Exactly.

Ashley Apap
And I, apparently eight years old, went into my next class and sat down like a maniac and looked him in the eye and said, so, before we start, my mum told me that you don't want her to waste her money anymore and that I shouldn't have lessons with you because I'm not practising and I don't remember this. Apparently, I looked him dead in the eyes and said, if she's paying you, you're going to give me these lessons and I don't have to practise as long as you're getting your money, which is terrifying.

Olivia Musket
I'd be scared of you. Yeah.

Ashley Apap
And it was true. It was 100% true. I was a very nice, good kid. I was, like, scared of authority. No idea where that came from.

Olivia Musket
Just that one day.

Ashley Apap
Just that one day, I don't know, I suddenly was like, nothing came over.

Olivia Musket
You know what?

Ashley Apap
Let's manipulate this grown man into earning money. I just wanted him to make bank.

Olivia Musket
Is that doing your bit for the arts?

Ashley Apap
Exactly. I was just supporting the arts. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Olivia Musket
No, nothing.

Ashley Apap
If you're out there listening and. Or watching this support the arts. Why don't you find a flute teacher and force them to teach a kid?

Olivia Musket
Give them money.

Ashley Apap
Give them. Just give them money. Maybe that's a good idea. Olivia, I have a couple of rapid fire questions for you.

Olivia Musket
Okay?

Ashley Apap
I want to be scared. You don't need to be scared. You are not in a court of. Yet.

Olivia Musket
Yet.

Ashley Apap
Okay, my first question to you is, are you a beach person or a pool person?

Olivia Musket
Pool. Every time.

Ashley Apap
I love the pool.

Olivia Musket
Pool's great. Sand sucks hard. Agree.

Ashley Apap
Boycott sand. Destroy sand. I mean, don't destroy it. Surely we need it for sand.

Olivia Musket
Environment good.

Ashley Apap
Environment and bad. Sand bad. There we go. Next question. Have you ever committed a crime? And if not, why are you such a square?

Olivia Musket
I stole a Twix from my prep teacher.

Ashley Apap
Oh, my God.

Olivia Musket
Yeah, this is a hot scoop. 20 years later. Here we go. Shit, I'm old. I stole a Twix. It was in her drawer. I was sitting in front of her drawer. I took it out, and then someone at Rees said, olivia, where did you get that Twix from? And I felt super guilty, but I still ate it.

Ashley Apap
Did you tell them where you got.

Olivia Musket
No, I said I brought it from home, which was a complete lie because my mother did not give me chocolate.

Ashley Apap
That's amazing. I like that you just went along with it, and you're like, I'm taking this to the grave. Until now.

Olivia Musket
No one will know until today.

Ashley Apap
Wow. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I have a phone call. I just have to answer this really quick. It might be Paul Giamatti calling me back. Hello?

Olivia Musket
Ash?

Ashley Apap
What the hell? Oh, God. I'm so sorry. It's Haley Tanto. We host a different podcast. Does. I'm not meant to be doing this.

Olivia Musket
All right, hold her. Haley?

Ashley Apap
A co host of my other podcast. What's going on, you two timing son of a bitch? What are you talking about? Haley. Haley, you know you're the only one for me, okay? Scamp means nothing to me. Scamp means everything to me.

Olivia Musket
You swore to me I was the only one.

Ashley Apap
You said call an adult was the.

Olivia Musket
Only show for you.

Ashley Apap
I never said that. I thought we were just having fun, okay?

Olivia Musket
Just having fun.

Ashley Apap
So the last two years meant nothing to you? Okay, I never said that. All right, you're sounding kind of hysterical, babe. All right?

Olivia Musket
Do not call me crazy, okay? You've broken my heart. You hear me?

Ashley Apap
All right, well, you know what? Maybe your heart needs to get a bit stronger. You need to wise up, all right?

Olivia Musket
Okay.

Ashley Apap
My baby. My sweetie. My sweetie. It's all going to be okay.

Olivia Musket
You were a monster.

Ashley Apap
All right, you know what? I don't have time for this. I got other friends to hang out with that. Don't gaslight me. Sorry, everyone. Some people clingy.

Olivia Musket
Yeah, sure.

Ashley Apap
I'm just trying to live my life.

Olivia Musket
Just be free. All the podcasts.

Ashley Apap
Exactly. I can't be tied down.

Olivia Musket
I wish someone would just tie me down with one podcast, though. Come on. Hey, just one.

Ashley Apap
If you're out there and you're looking for someone to give a podcast, she's ready to be tied down to a podcast.

Olivia Musket
Microphone on it. I don't know. Put a ring on it.

Ashley Apap
Put a microphone sized ring that works as a microphone on Olivia's finger for once. Please, not that hard. Please, we're begging you.

Olivia Musket
I'm great. So I've been told by my dog and no one else.

Ashley Apap
I think you're great also. So there's two people, me and your dog. The two people. The two human beings and Jemima. How are you finding things?

Olivia Musket
Snores. No snores.

Ashley Apap
No snores. That's pretty good. She's living the dream.

Olivia Musket
The Jemima tick of approval. She did snore through a very intense death scene in a play once. So she gives her opinion.

Ashley Apap
Hey, look.

Olivia Musket
And it's warranted.

Ashley Apap
Look, when there's life or death, death is the boring one.

Olivia Musket
I mean, true. If you got to choose.

Ashley Apap
If you got to choose, which one would you prefer? Honestly? Now, not death related, but life related. Specifically your life.

Olivia Musket
My life.

Ashley Apap
I'm now going to move us into a special segment. If there's anyone out there that is watching this or listening to this, that is an ablest cuck. Well, guess what? Gotcha. Gotcha. Pranked you. You didn't even know that this is a show made by and with disabled artists. Got them so good. It's never been more got. So now I'm going to give you a minute to rant, to absolutely let loose, go off. I know it's not enough time, honestly, we can and probably will exceed a minute, but I'm going to give you a minute to try to go as fast and as hard as you can about the most ridiculous things that an able body person has ever suggested. Try to, quote, cure or fix or change your disability. Are you ready?

Olivia Musket
I'm so ready.

Ashley Apap
Okay, here we go.

Olivia Musket
Okay.

Ashley Apap
Time starts now.

Olivia Musket
Oh, my God. Okay, so number one weirdest thing, I was sitting on a tram, and this has only happened once. This is not one of those ones. I get all the time was going home after a work thing, and this guy who may have, may or may not have been on some mind altering substances, I don't know, but for the entire way, it was, like, the city to Airport west, which is a long way. He was yelling on the 59 tram about how I need to rub toothpaste in my eyes to get the gunk out. And then I would be able to see, and he wouldn't stop. You got to rub toothpaste. You know, you. You that girl over there. You need to rub toothpaste in your eyes and all the gunk will be gone 20 seconds. But also, the more important one that I actually wanted to say was the bionic eye. People, shut up about the bionic eye. I don't care. I really don't give a shit about, like, it's not happening in my lifetime. And if it does, I ain't getting no surgery. I'm quite fine. Leave the bionic eye out of it. I'm good.

Ashley Apap
Perfect. Exactly. That was amazing. Okay, first of all, do you think that man on the tram is getting confused with. When people say that if you get gum in your hair, you should put toothpaste in your hair?

Olivia Musket
Mosquito bites. Like, I've heard that, too.

Ashley Apap
That's so ridiculous. It is almost funny.

Olivia Musket
At the time, I was freaking scared. Now I look back and go, he meant well. That was just fucking off the rails funny. So, yeah, I'll think of it often. The toothpaste in my eyes, I'm like, you know what? Maybe I should try it.

Ashley Apap
Look, I'm not a doctor, but I'm going to say, don't.

Olivia Musket
What harm could it do?

Ashley Apap
Hey, they'll smell great.

Olivia Musket
Minty fresh.

Ashley Apap
Minty fresh, absolutely. Maybe you won't get plaque. No. Hey, I would assume you're not going to get plaque anyway.

Olivia Musket
Never know.

Ashley Apap
Does plaque grow anywhere but your teeth?

Olivia Musket
Not that I'm aware of. I don't know anything.

Ashley Apap
I don't know.

Olivia Musket
That's, like, in the realm of science, so forget about it.

Ashley Apap
I don't know anything is such a great. Like, you can't hold me to anything. I don't know. I don't know anything at all.

Olivia Musket
Standard response. Olivia, when's.

Ashley Apap
You know?

Olivia Musket
I don't know anything. Olivia, when are you going to get this to us?

Ashley Apap
I don't know anything. Yeah, I was that kid when I was little. That was like, wasn't me. Straight immediately, even though sometimes it was me.

Olivia Musket
Oh, it was always me. But, like, I'm the eldest of three, and I was, like, the teacher's pet in every single class I was ever in. So it wasn't me, and everyone believed me.

Ashley Apap
I was the youngest of two, and it was clearly always me. And I never got away with it. Although I will say, anytime my sister and I ever had a fight, she always very much did start it. I'm going on record and saying that she would say something horrible.

Olivia Musket
Show.

Ashley Apap
My records show she would say something horrible, and then I would get upset and probably whack her, take it deeply.

Olivia Musket
Out of proportion, or just have a wildly loud reaction.

Ashley Apap
And all my parents would hear was me screaming, rather than her being like, you're going to die at this day, on this time. And maybe be like, why would you say that to me?

Olivia Musket
Yeah. I used to whisper weird Harry Potter snake shit. My brother and I used to share a bedroom.

Ashley Apap
That's so funny.

Olivia Musket
Potter. You know that weird from that. Is it the second movie?

Ashley Apap
I think so, yeah.

Olivia Musket
And with the weird snake in the walls, and it would freak him the fuck out. It was so funny. Also, Bond. Do you know the Bond, the violinists?

Ashley Apap
Yes, I do. I used to play violin, right?

Olivia Musket
And there was one, their song they had that was like the Olympics song. Whatever it was, it used to give him nightmares. And he was very vocal about that fact. But I would play it before bed every night.

Ashley Apap
You've conditioned him to be terrified, terrified of everything by, like, a quartet of violinists, of all things. That's so funny. And that's love.

Olivia Muske
Yeah. That is real love. Yeah.

Ashley Apap
Now, Olivia, I would like to play a little game with you. Is that okay?

Olivia Musket
Okay.

Ashley Apap
So at this point, in my silly little show, my silly little house, I love to play improv games with my friends, because I love improv.

Olivia Musket
I hate it, but sure, right, well.

Ashley Apap
Then you're going to love this. I heard through the grapevine that you have the most beautiful voice in the world. Lies just a fact. Just the truth. And I would love to play a game called Hotspot with you. So what we're going to do, for anyone who doesn't know this game, is I'll start by singing a little bit of a song. And then if, Olivia, you hear a word or a part of the song that you know another song has that same word, then you continue with that. And then I've got to try and cut you off with another song. We've got to try and keep going. You know what?

Olivia Musket
Okay, great.

Ashley Apap
I'm going to start with. We're breaking free we're so flying there's not a star in heaven that we can't reach I thought of a song.

Olivia Musket
And I just didn't sing it. Sing.

Ashley Apap
Go now. Go now.

Olivia Musket
Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth?

Ashley Apap
Ooh, heaven is a place on earth.

Olivia Musket
They say in heaven Love comes first I think we'll make heaven a place on earth. Ooh, heaven is a place on earth.

Ashley Apap
How does someone improvise off of that? Thinking about our younger years. Yeah, that's that song, right? Jemima likes it.

Olivia Musket
I shoved my keys into the side of his pretty little souped up, four wheel drive. Something about the something. Leather seat.

Ashley Apap
Okay, I've got one. Okay, let's drive. Yeah. Anywhere I want to go I will take you there, babe, take you there, baby Just like a prayer your voice.

Olivia Musket
Can take me there some. I really don't know the words for this one. And something into me just like a dream, you are my one true scene. Just like a prayer, no choice. Your voice can take me there make.

Ashley Apap
A noise and make it clear. You know what? I think that's a perfect ten.

Olivia Musket
Way to finish it.

Ashley Apap
You've got one more.

Olivia Musket
No, that was it. I just did it. Way to finish it. You're the voice, Ashley. Well done.

Ashley Apap
I think you're the voice. I think. You know what, Jemima? You're also the voice. She's like, I'm sleeping.

Olivia Musket
The voice of the people watching us sing. The Voice of dream.

Ashley Apa
That was wonderful.

Olivia Musket
I'm sorry I'm so bad at improv.

Ashley Apap
No, you're not. Genuinely. I've seen people. I know, people that have done years and years of classes dedicated to improv, spent thousands of dollars on it and can't play that game at all.

Olivia Musket
There you go.

Ashley Apap
And if those people are taking this in, you just got schooled. You just got your ass handed to you.

Olivia Musket
Year twelve theatre studies. It worked.

Ashley Apap
That's right. Year twelve, theatre studies. It works. Now we're almost at the end of the episode, which I'm very sad about because I've had loveliest time. JEmima, obviously, has had a boring time. She's bored out of her brain. And that's fair enough. I get it.

Olivia Musket
I'm not for everyone with me all the time. She hears my voice, she goes to sleep. It's pretty normal.

Ashley Apap
Angel. She's asleep. Now, we're going to read the final sponsor of today's episode, and I would love for you to tell everyone who has sponsored this episode.

Olivia Musket
Sure. My pleasure. This episode has been proudly sponsored by Coal Mining. Everyone's going on about renewable energy this and renewable energy that. But everyone's missing the point. The more coal we mine, the more pranks we can play on greedy children who don't deserve Christmas presents. Coal mining. Putting spoiled brats in their place year after year.

Ashley Apap
Thank you, coal mining. We really appreciate your support. And Olivia, I appreciate your support and you being here today. Thank you so much.

Olivia Musket
Thanks.

Ashley Apap
Is there anything that you would like to plug or where can people find your work?

Olivia Musket
Well. Oh, God. I'm on the Internet, on Instagram.

Ashley Apap
There you go.

Olivia Musket
My work is many things in the works. Nothing to plug at the moment. But if you want to find out about it, I'm on Instagram at oamusket and I think there's an underscore somewhere in there. Do people say underscore anymore? It's very MSN. And I have a website. It's oliviamusket.com.

Ashley Apap
It's a great website.

Olivia Musket
Sometimes I write a beautiful oliviamusket substack.com. I used to be on Twitter.

Ashley Apap
Rip.

Olivia Musket
Yeah, Rip. I'm still there.

Ashley Apap
I'm still there, too.

Olivia Musket
But not really.

Ashley Apap
Weird name now.

Olivia Musket
X. No one calls it X. Suck it, Elon. Yeah. So I don't know. 2023 can get in the bin, but next year, follow me and I'll do some stuff.

Ashley Apap
Keep everyone, keep your ear to the ground, because Olivia is a star. And that's the word on the street. And now, as we have reached the end of our time together, I would love to present you with this million dollars. Honestly, if I had it, I would.

Olivia Musket
But no thanks.

Ashley Apap
I have a million Sims dollars.

Olivia Musket
Oh.

Ashley Apap
I could transfer that to your bank. Transfer.

Olivia Musket
Thanks so much.

Ashley Apap
Right after this, I have a PhD in tomfoolery for you. So it's just. To be honest, it's a silly little piece of paper.

Olivia Musket
Grandparents will be so proud.

Ashley Apap
Oh, my God. Wonderful.

Olivia Musket
Thank you.

Ashley Apap
Oh, wonderful.

Olivia Musket
An honour.

Ashley Apap
I've just given it to you.

Olivia Musket
It's got upside down.

Ashley Apap
It is. And that's exactly how it should be.

Olivia Musket
Hey, Tom Fuller.

Ashley Apap
There's nothing sillier than upside downside down. And that's in the spirit of this show. Thank you so much for being here.

Olivia Musket
Thanks for letting me be silly.

Ashley Apap
It's my honour. My pleasure. And everyone out there, stay safe. And don't you dare forget to wipe. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone.

Olivia Musket
He.

Ashley Apap

Goodbye. Ha. Get out of here.