Scamp - Episode 1 - Alistair Baldwin

Ashley:

This show was recorded on land that was stolen from the Wurundjeri people of The Kulin Nation. We acknowledge and celebrate the Traditional Owners of this land and their deep history of storytelling. We extend our acknowledgement to any Indigenous Peoples who may be watching or listening; and particularly invite viewers to reflect on the plight of Indigenous People living with disability under colonialism. Always was, always will be, Aboriginal land.

Ashley:

Hey there. Welcome to Scamp, the silliest place this site of hell. I'm Ashley Apap, of course. You probably already knew that because I'm sure you probably know me from your local pool. That's right, yes, it's me. The woman walking around with the gigantic camel toe. It is not on purpose, but it is my reality. And if you've got a giant camel toe, I stand with you.

Ashley:

Now, Scamp has a new sponsor for every episode, we're very lucky, very lucky to have sponsors on board. And today's sponsor is hope. It's out there, allegedly. I'm really happy to have you here, but first I actually have to make a really important phone call. I have a personal phone number that I recently acquired of my favorite international celebrity actor, superstar, loving man, Paul Giamatti. So, we've actually known each other for a really long time, but it's just taken a while to get his phone number through a bunch of message boards. So I'm just going to get... Who better for the first guest, than an international superstar? It's ringing. He's probably out changing the world. You know how he is. But you know what? Let's not worry about him. He'll call back soon, surely. I actually have my first friend over, comedian, writer, and dare I say, hot piece of ass, Alistair Baldwin is here.

Alistair Baldwin:

Hello. Thanks for having me.

Ashley:

Oh God. Couldn't be more thrilled. Alistair, can I get you to tell me a little bit about your lock picking?

Alistair Baldwin:

Sure. Well, it's on the nose, but it was a lockdown hobby. Melbourne strong.

Ashley:

That was in 2020, 2021, 2022. On we go into prosperity.

Alistair Baldwin:

Prosperity. I found it so funny when there were all those headlines where it's like, "Dan Andrews steps down." And I'm like, "Too soon." He really fell down those stairs. Anyway, but I... But no, I got into lock picking... Well, I would say picking locks, it's just like a Rubik's Cube that you can't see, you have to feel. And so I think it's a beautiful haptic feedback that makes you a gorgeous lover. But no, I... But I did. Yeah, you can buy a lot of clear padlocks online and little tension wrenches and single picks, rake picks.

Ashley:

You can see the-

Alistair Baldwin:

You can see the pins.

Ashley:

... pins moving and stuff.

Alistair Baldwin:

So you can-

Ashley:

Pins.

Alistair Baldwin:

Their pins.

Ashley:

Okay.

Alistair Baldwin:

Okay.

Ashley:

Okay.

Alistair Baldwin:

All right.

Ashley:

Unlock my phone much.

Alistair Baldwin:

Pin code.

Ashley:

Code. Get a lock pick, unpick that.

Alistair Baldwin:

I mean, isn't that peculiar. Pin, personal identification number is the same word as pin, the tiny objects which work in a lock and both are related to something being unlocked.

Ashley:

You know what you've unlocked?

Alistair Baldwin:

What?

Ashley:

My sense of creativity. Freedom.

Alistair Baldwin:

This is going great, Ash.

Ashley:

Hey-

Alistair Baldwin:

I really think it's admirable what you're trying to do here.

Ashley:

Thank you. Make friends.

Alistair Baldwin:

Yeah, absolutely.

Ashley:

Be the coolest. Be the coolest. How cool do you think I'm on a scale of one to 10?

Alistair Baldwin:

I don't want to give it a number.

Ashley:

Because I exceed it.

Alistair Baldwin:

These numbers aren't cool because maths is not cool.

Ashley:

That's true.

Alistair Baldwin:

And actually for you to ask me to rate something, on a scale of one to 10, nerd shit.

Ashley:

No, I'm not a fucking nerd.

Alistair Baldwin:

You're a fucking nerd.

Ashley:

I'm not a fucking nerd. Don't-

Alistair Baldwin:

Look, what's all the little bric-a-brac. You've got a little robot clock.

Ashley:

Yeah.

Alistair Baldwin:

You've got an asthma inhaler shaped like Lisa Simpson's head, which can't work.

Ashley:

I mean, someone's got to.

Alistair Baldwin:

What do you mean by that?

Ashley:

Alistair-

Alistair Baldwin:

Yeah?

Ashley:

I'm going to get you to tell me a little cheeky story. I just want to hear a mischievous story from your life. It can be anything at all.

Alistair Baldwin:

It can be anything at all?

Ashley:

It can be anything. Whatever you define as mischievous.

Alistair Baldwin:

Well, I will say, my most recent prolonged bout of mischief and misdeeds, scammery, scoopery doopery-

Ashley:

Scoopery doopery.

Alistair Baldwin:

... slippery behavior was, I was up in Sydney earlier this year for World Pride. And I think-

Ashley:

WP. I say DP, but that's play picture, of course.

Alistair Baldwin:

Well, yeah, there was a lot of DP at WP, I'll tell you that much.

Ashley:

Doo-doo poo-poo. Crushed it.

Alistair Baldwin:

Well, the first, the vehicle scam for me being there was that I had a gig up there funded by the Australian taxpayer to work for the ABC to cover it. And so already I scammed, what turned out to be during this heightened period of tourism, a $700 a night hotel for eight weeks. That's one scam. And that's your money. You pay taxes, right?

Ashley:

Allegedly.

Alistair Baldwin:

That's some people's money. But I would do something that I quite like to do to get into clubs for free, is what I call the carer's gambit.

Ashley:

And that's the name of the spin-off that you're making for-

Alistair Baldwin:

The Queen's Gambit, absolutely.

Ashley:

This is amazing.

Alistair Baldwin:

The carer's gambit. It's about checkers. But, essentially I would find someone who had a ticket to a club night, a classic kookie, barber.

Ashley:

Kookie barber?

Alistair Baldwin:

These are names of club nights. They're not meant to make sense.

Ashley:

Sounds like a fake character's name. This is my son, Kookie Barber.

Alistair Baldwin:

It sounds like that anthropological study about language, Kiki and Bouba.

Ashley:

Kiki Parma, more like Kookie barber.

Alistair Baldwin:

Kookie barber. Are you Kiki or are you... Anyway, but essentially I would find someone who had a ticket and then I would get them to say that it was my ticket and I'd be like, "They're in on a carer's pass." And I would sort of gesture vaguely to my leg braces and then... Ever heard of them? And then what's the bouncer going to do? Ask one follow-up question? Kind of ableist. And so most of the time it does work.

Ashley:

That's great.

Alistair Baldwin:

And actually I do this... I think that I shouldn't have to pay for this. I did actually, I snuck into the Miss Closing party recently. That's some Melbourne International Film Festival where, it was at the Forum. And what I did was I put on a blazer and I put on a lanyard for something unrelated. But if you walk in with confidence, and very quickly I got in and then there was free champagne there. And then I... Yeah, is that the thing?

Ashley:

Absolutely.

Alistair Baldwin:

Little crime things.

Ashley:

Little crimes.

Alistair Baldwin:

Little crimes.

Ashley:

In this town, little crimes is what it's all about. Just like the taxes you talked about before.

Alistair Baldwin:

Yeah.

Ashley:

I don't-

Alistair Baldwin:

Never heard of it.

Ashley:

Doesn't really resonate with me.

Alistair Baldwin:

Well, I snuck in here today actually.

Ashley:

I sent you the most formal invite at the time.

Alistair Baldwin:

I snuck in, actually.

Ashley:

Don't... You cheeky queen.

Alistair Baldwin:

I'm cool. I've got Ocean's 11 style skills. I do social engineering. You did not give me permission, but I'm that good and smart and sexy, that I'm able to charm my way onto set. And that's how I've got the absolute career that I have.

Ashley:

That's true. And look, I did put out to the universe like, "Please let me have a friend. Just one." And you did show up, but is it correct that you were looking for somewhere to park your car, and then you stumbled in here?

Alistair Baldwin:

I was looking for somewhere to park my car.

Ashley:

Yeah.

Alistair Baldwin:

And here I am, parking myself in front of the mic.

Ashley:

And of course by car, I mean that fat ass.

Alistair Baldwin:

Yeah. Beep, beep, reversing car.

Ashley:

Now, you're BBL. How'd that go?

Alistair Baldwin:

Look, it's sagging, I'll be real. It's imploded like a submarine at Extreme Depths. And so it is like a crushed aluminum can. And so it's actually got a beautiful topography, where if you look at it... Because there's, usually in an ass, there's like the one main crevasse that you'd be familiar with.

Ashley:

Oh, girlies call that the crack.

Alistair Baldwin:

Yep. Hey, my neck, my back.

Ashley:

Dare I say the rest?

Alistair Baldwin:

I dare you to.

Ashley:

I refuse.

Alistair Baldwin:

Pussy and crack. Anyway, but I... What were we talking? But most asses have the one crack that you know and love. And you love it, and you know it.

Ashley:

Everyone knows how much I love it.

Alistair Baldwin:

Whereas my BBL has, it's like a fractal. It's imploded in such a unique way that there are many crevices. And actually within those crevices, there are smaller crevasses and they are different.

Ashley:

Yes.

Alistair Baldwin:

And then within those, and it goes down and down and down and down.

Ashley:

Turtles all the way down, but crevasses all the way down.

Alistair Baldwin:

And it does look like a turtle back there.

Ashley:

And that's my favorite part about it.

Alistair Baldwin:

Yeah. You love turtles.

Ashley:

I love turtles and I love cracks.

Alistair Baldwin:

And if I get spooked, I can sort of retreat back into it.

Ashley:

Suck yourself back in.

Alistair Baldwin:

My BBL's like a silicon shell.

Ashley:

BB shell.

Alistair Baldwin:

Shut the fuck up. BB shell.

Ashley:

I refuse.

Alistair Baldwin:

I refuse to shut up about my BB shell. It's a BBL that's like a tortoise.

Ashley:

I knew that we would probably fuck around heaps, which is fine.

Alistair Baldwin:

Sorry.

Ashley:

Whatever needs to be cut, will be cut. Okay.

Alistair Baldwin:

I refuse to be cut and edited around.

Ashley:

You refuse to... "I refuse to be cut," that's what you said to the surgeon when you came out of your mom's puss.

Alistair Baldwin:

Absolutely. And yet nonetheless, because my grandfather had to get a circumcision at age 13, all of his descendants who have no religious reason to be circumcised, are indeed circumcised.

Ashley:

You heard it here first, Alistair Baldwin.

Alistair Baldwin:

I'm coming out as cut, on Scamp.

Ashley:

This is the place to do it.

Alistair Baldwin:

This is the place to talk about being cut or uncut.

Ashley:

We are pro-choice, meaning you can have-

Alistair Baldwin:

That's the pro-choice.

Ashley:

That's what pro-choice is?

Alistair Baldwin:

Yeah. Do you have a preference?

Ashley:

My preference is live, laugh and love yourself.

Alistair Baldwin:

Perfect.

Ashley:

Now-

Alistair Baldwin:

Ashley Apap on circumcision. Live, laugh and love yourself.

Ashley:

Love yourself. It's not that hard.

Alistair Baldwin:

Got it, got it, got it, got it, got it.

Ashley:

Now, I'm going to ask you some rapid fire questions.

Alistair Baldwin:

Got it.

Ashley:

Okay. Now Alistair, what is your ideal date activity?

Alistair Baldwin:

Bow and arrows.

Ashley:

Okay, great. If I were to ask you to go out with me after this, would you be delighted or disgusted?

Alistair Baldwin:

Do you have a bow and arrow?

Ashley:

Always.

Alistair Baldwin:

I would be delighted.

Ashley:
Just call me Cat Pierceeversteen. I'm a big fan of Mary Steenburgen and she's evergreen.

Alistair Baldwin:

Well, you're a burgeoning talent. You're a Steenburgening talent on the comedy scene. Steen Rascopolis. Anyway.

Ashley:

Now follow up question.

Alistair Baldwin:

Please.

Ashley:

Would you still go out on date with me, if the whole time I was yelling, "What have you done?" Over and over and over again? Full volume in public.

Alistair Baldwin:

You were just saying that your whole thing is live, laugh and love yourself. You're going to scream that?

Ashley:

Look, I can be outraged and still accepting of all creed.

Alistair Baldwin:

Well, there's no such thing as bad publicity. So yeah, give me some attention.

Ashley:

Well, I just want to be loved.

Alistair Baldwin:

Are you in love with me?

Ashley:

Isn't everyone? Oh, sorry. Oh my God, it's probably Paul Giamatti calling me. Hello?

Molly Daniels:

Hi, Ash.

Ashley:

Molly Daniels.

Molly Daniels:

Why are you full naming me?

Ashley:

Why are you calling me at my place of work?

Molly Daniels:

Oh, I just wanted to see if I could have that book that you borrowed back.

Ashley:

Oh, no. No, book's long gone.

Molly Daniels:

What? What happened to it?

Ashley:

Threw it in the ocean.

Molly Daniels:

In the ocean. Why would you do that?

Ashley:

Look, Molly, I do not have time to talk to you, okay. All right. I don't know how to explain my impeccable, wonderful, spontaneous personality to you. I threw it in the ocean. That's that. I'm waiting for a very important call from my dear friend and international superstar, Paul Giamatti.

Molly Daniels:

But what about my book?

Ashley:

You can read when you're dead.

Molly Daniels:

I don't think that's how the saying goes.

Ashley:

Goodbye Molly. Oh, God. People just don't respect my time.

Alistair Baldwin:

What's Paul done lately?

Ashley:

What hasn't he?

Alistair Baldwin:

Movies?

Ashley:

Surely really good ones.

Alistair Baldwin:

Sideways Three.

Ashley:

Sideways Three, Barney's version. Have you actually seen that?

Alistair Baldwin:

Taylor's version? Wait, no.

Ashley:

It's a real movie. And it's actually very good.

Alistair Baldwin:

Don't lie to me.

Ashley:

Taylor only got the idea because she saw Paul Giamatti's-

Alistair Baldwin:

Paul Giamatti.

Ashley:

... titular film, Barney's version, in which he gradually gets dementia and remembers-

Alistair Baldwin:

I thought you were going to say-

Alistair Baldwin:

He gradually gets more and more blue. But I was thinking of Big Fat Liar.

Ashley:

That's Big Fat Liar.

Alistair Baldwin:

Got it.

Ashley:

Which also... No one could do it like he did.

Alistair Baldwin:

No one could be blue like he could.

Ashley:

No one could.

Alistair Baldwin:

Except maybe, Sonic?

Ashley:

Okay, now that's a different shade. That's a different shade. Okay.

Alistair Baldwin:

Shade never made anyone less gay.

Ashley:

And that's the tea, Sistine Chapelle Corp.

Alistair Baldwin:

Moving on. No, this is your show.

Ashley:

Thank you.

Alistair Baldwin:

Thank you.

Ashley:

Thank you for not taking the reins, because I've never been in control anywhere in my life and I've never had my own space. And this is-

Alistair Baldwin:

This is you in control?

Ashley:

This is me, absolutely.

Alistair Baldwin:

All right. All right.

Ashley:

I'm fully in control. I can actually read your mind right now. And you are saying...

Alistair Baldwin:

Fuck, you got me. Fuck

Ashley:
That's what you're saying.

Alistair Baldwin:

Yeah.

Ashley:

And you're saying it so much better than I could actually. I wish- Okay finally.

Alistair Baldwin:

I'm one of the sons in Mumford and Sons.

Ashley:

And I'm one of the mums. I would like to just speak directly to any ableist cucks watching this and say, "You got fucking pranked bitch." You didn't even know. They didn't even know that this whole little hangout, this little show, as you keep calling it-

Alistair Baldwin:

Yeah.

Ashley:

... is actually made for and with disabled artists. So, we really got them.

Alistair Baldwin:

We got it.

Ashley:

Really got them.

Alistair Baldwin:

We got their ass.

Ashley:

We got their cracks. We got their turtle, their BBL.

Alistair Baldwin:

We put a crack in their perception of normative body standards.

Ashley:

And we said

Alistair Baldwin:

And we said those cracks have cracks, and it's fractals and it's turtles all the way down.

Ashley:

It's turtles all the way down to the bottom of the crack. Which brings us to something special that I'd like to do with you. You're the first friend that I have coming over to my-

Alistair Baldwin:

Shut up.

Ashley:

So I'm going to do one myself first, I'm going to show you. Basically what we're going to do is we're going to go off about the most ridiculous thing that an able-bodied person has suggested we try to cure or fix our disability. Now for context, for those people at home, I've got chronic pain, I've got psoriatic and rheumatoid arthritis. Don't worry about it. That's my context, and you'll never hear me talk about it again, bitch.

Now I'm going to give myself... I'm going to give myself a minute. Okay, here I go. Why do people keep telling me about turmeric, or turmeric, and why is it spelled turmeric? Because the thing is it tastes like, dare I say, an anus. But I'd say an anus probably tastes better because, not only does it not seem to do anything, it also is so bright orange that it stains my teeth. I've been every now and then putting it with just hot water and having it, because you need to have it pure. Apparently white pepper helps it work better for inflammation. It doesn't do shit. I'm sick of people saying like, "Oh, just change what you're eating." I know I need to change what I'm eating, bitch. Just found out I'm fructose and sucrose intolerant, all right. But do you think I'm going to not have a beautiful little sweet, that piece of pie when I want a little sweet.

Alistair Baldwin:

Full of sucrose.

Ashley:

A little spoonful of honey. Okay, I've got 14 seconds. And guess what? I'm sick of people telling me, "Just wear nice shoes and..." I have to wear the specific shoes I have to wear, otherwise I can't walk and my feet hurt, all right. All right. The only reason I don't have shoes on right now, because in my place. And that's one minute.

Alistair Baldwin:

Huge.

Ashley:

Okay. Now-

Alistair Baldwin:

I'm allergic to Fructease. Garnier Fructis, the shampoo. And they're a sponsor.

Ashley:

And they are a sponsor.

Alistair Baldwin:

They're at Garnier.

Ashley:

Now Alistair, you ready for your minute?

Alistair Baldwin:

Kind of? I'll riff.

Ashley:

You'll riff.

Alistair Baldwin:

I'm ready.

Ashley:

Okay.

Alistair Baldwin:

I know what I'm saying

Ashley:

And go.

Alistair Baldwin:

I don't think, so the... What do you call it? An usher when it's like a COVID testing facility. Back, a couple of years ago, I was going there to get a PCR and then he saw my leg braces and was like, "What are those for?" And I said, "Muscular dystrophy." And he was like, "Have you tried having a warm glass of milk before bed each night?" And I'm not expecting the usher of the COVID testing facility to be a full doctor. I'm expecting them to not pitch milk as a cure of muscular dystrophy, I must say. And I'm torn because I do also want to dox this lovely little old woman on public transport who did also look at my braces and were like, "You should try magnets." And I'm like, "What even do you mean by that? Do you mean an MRI?" And she was like, "No, magnets." And I'm like, "What do you think muscular dystrophy is?"

Ashley:

And that's-

Alistair Baldwin:

And that's one minute.

Ashley:

And that's one minute. Wow. What does she think it is? Yeah. I knew someone that thought the magnets was a thing, like a pain relief thing.

Alistair Baldwin:

And it could draw the... I'm like, "Maybe if you've got a haemochromatosis or some iron build up or whatever."

Ashley:

Something metal related.

Alistair Baldwin:

Or that scene in one of the X-Men movies where Magneto pulls all the iron and someone's blood out of them and turns it into a little ball to shatter his Hannibal Lecter prism. If it's that-

Ashley:

If it's that-

Alistair Baldwin:
... then that is scientific. But for me, my problem is not metal.

Ashley:

I would say your problem is mental. All you've got to do is just change your mind state. Just, that's all it is. It's all up here.

Alistair Baldwin:

It's all attitudes.

Ashley:

Is it not?

Alistair Baldwin:

Is that-

Ashley:

I want to go on record and say that that was a joke. But also, it is all in your head.

Alistair Baldwin:

Well, yeah, but I'm aware of it. I'm faking for attention and to get on the show. And I pranked you. It's a prank within a prank. It's turtles all the way down. You're pranking the abled listeners being like, "This is all disabled people." I am pranking you being like, "I'm able-bodied, bitch."

Ashley:

Imagine.

Alistair Baldwin:

Imagine.

Ashley:

Imagine if this is how it came out that you were faking the entire time, for real. And then I was like, "Oh, you know what? It's fine."

Alistair Baldwin:

It's fine.

Ashley:

That would be crazy.

Alistair Baldwin:

Yeah.

Ashley:

Just so crazy, in my head.

Alistair Baldwin:

It's a psychosocial model of disability. It would technically count. Snaps.

Ashley:

Ahoy. The game that I want to play with you-

Alistair Baldwin:

Sure.

Ashley:

... is actually just free-associating until we get exhausted.

Alistair Baldwin:

Got it.

Ashley:

So, every time I have a friend come over, and yet I've got other friends. I know. I wouldn't believe it if I looked at me either. I'll be playing a fun little silly improv game with them. And so Alistair, we have a history of just riffing on word associations until we literally have to leave the room and be away from each other.

Alistair Baldwin:

Yes. I think we're two people who love the sound of our own voices. And so even if we have nothing substantive to say, we will free associate to fill the unbearable silence.

Ashley:

Because at the end of the day, the world is horrible. And, hearing the sounds of it, really scary.

Alistair Baldwin:

Yeah. Got it.

Ashley:

So let's make the world that we're in a little bit brighter.

Alistair Baldwin:

Yeah.

Ashley:

By-

Alistair Baldwin:

Yeah.

Ashley:

... just going all the way.

Alistair Baldwin:

Fourth base? I call that a home run, where I'm from. Home run.

Ashley:

Okay, let's just-

Alistair Baldwin:

Now it's started.

Ashley:

Now it's starting. Home run.

Alistair Baldwin:

Hoe run.

Ashley:

Ho's run to their favorite sexual partner.

Alistair Baldwin:

Home runs before bromes run. The bro code.

Ashley:

The bro code is one of the new subjects being taught at our MIT's new coding course for little coders.

Alistair Baldwin:

Carly Closs's male twin, Charlie Chloss-

Ashley:

Chloss, yeah, yeah. Different last names.

Alistair Baldwin:

... teaches boys in stem how to code with Charlie.

Ashley:

How to code, how to download songs from Limewire.

Alistair Baldwin:

Yeah, Limewire. How to code a Johnson loves limes, hates Ellen.

Ashley:

Ellen cancelled. She so silly. Silly-

Alistair Baldwin:

Silly Billy, Aichner.

Ashley:

Great guy.

Alistair Baldwin:

Great guy, great guy.

Ashley:

Great guy.

Alistair Baldwin:

Really runs up and yells to a lot of women on the street in New York.

Ashley:

Bill on the street. People on the street. Day turns into night.

Alistair Baldwin:

I'm blue, dubba de dubba die

Ashley:

Die. That's the end. Because we all die.

Alistair Baldwin:

Because we all die.

Ashley:

And I think we really, really nailed that.

Alistair Baldwin:

We all die.

Ashley:

And I really want to end each fun game with an air of mortality.

Alistair Baldwin:

Crushing mortality.

Ashley:

Sadness, and dare I say, honesty.

Alistair Baldwin:

Honesty zone. We all die.

Ashley:

The honesty zone, in the zone, Britney Spears.

Alistair Baldwin:

Spears are a way to die if someone throws one at you.

Ashley:

And at the end of the day, we all will.

Alistair Baldwin:

We all die. And we're back to death. We closed the loop, then we added a little tiny loop with Britney Spears in the zone. Time zone.

Ashley:

Time zone.

Alistair Baldwin:

Time's up.

Ashley:

Shooting hoops, time's up.

Alistair Baldwin:

Our time is limited on earth.

Ashley:

Because of death.

Alistair Baldwin:

Death.

Ashley:

Death around every corner.

Alistair Baldwin:

Got it.

Ashley:

Now, Alistair out time together is almost up.

Alistair Baldwin:

We just said that. Time on Earth is very limited.

Ashley:

Very limited. And time hanging out here together. I'm so sorry, but I got to kick you out soon. But-

Alistair Baldwin:

Bummer.

Ashley:

... would I be able to just get you to read our final sponsor of the episode?

Alistair Baldwin:

Sure. Yeah.

Ashley:

Thank you so much.

Alistair Baldwin:

All right.

Ashley:

It's great. It's great to have a friend over. So if you could just read this, in your most confident... Just really sell it.

Alistair Baldwin:

All right. That's my camera?

Ashley:

Right there. Yeah, absolutely.

Alistair Baldwin:

This episode has been proudly sponsored by not washing your hands ever. I'm well known for the cakey buildup and piss all over my filthy pinches and my career's never been better.

Ashley:

True.

Alistair Baldwin:

You can be just like me if you stop washing your hands today.

Ashley:

Wow. It's a pretty intense omission.

Alistair Baldwin:

I don't stand by this at all.

Ashley:

Well, I don't know why you printed it out and gave it to me today.

Alistair Baldwin:

Okay. Yeah. Well, you touched it, so you're going to want to wash your hands.

Ashley:

Well, good for you. That I also never have.

Alistair Baldwin:

Are we done, nearly or what's the deal?

Ashley:

Unfortunately, yes.

Alistair Baldwin:

Fuck.

Ashley:

We are done nearly. And that is the deal. But, there is something special about the show and that is, that I have made special little gifts for my friends that come over.

Alistair Baldwin:

Oh yeah.

Ashley:

Because I have made my little house. If you're in my little house, it's all about being a cheeky little minx. And I would say that you have successfully become a little scamp. So, I have made you this PhD in tomfoolery. And I would like to award you Alistair Baldwin, with the first ever of this very special coveted degree.

Alistair Baldwin:

Oh my God.

Ashley:

There you go.

Alistair Baldwin:

Thank you.

Ashley:

It's really strong official paper.

Alistair Baldwin:

Oh my God. Mr. Foolery is my father's name. Call me Tom, guys.

Ashley:

Thomas.

Alistair Baldwin:

This is fabulous. This is really highly pixelated. This is low quality Google image sort of... This is really-

Ashley:

What do you expect?

Alistair Baldwin:

I just didn't know that they still made printers that could print this low res. This is really-

Ashley:

Yeah.

Alistair Baldwin:

It's hard to get.

Ashley:

It's actually a printer that plugs into one of those Polaroid cameras.

Alistair Baldwin:

Got it.

Ashley:

For that. Great to know that you're immediately folding it up.

Alistair Baldwin:

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ashley:

Oh, origami. Origa-You. Origa-us all family. We're family. Everybody here is family.

Alistair Baldwin:

Yay. I made it a paper plane and threw it.

Ashley:

MIA.

Alistair Baldwin:

I'm a little scamp.

Ashley:

Oh no Alistair, where can the people find things that you are up to and what you're out there moving and shaking? You know what I'm saying?

Alistair Baldwin:

Well, if you give me a tracking device, you can follow my movements. But-

Ashley:

I have.

Alistair Baldwin:

... other than that, you can follow me on Instagram and X, formerly known as Twitter, under baldwinalistair. And if you like horny content, I've written an episode for Erotic Stories, which is an anthology series out now on SBS on Demand, and I believe Scamp TV in the Mediterranean region.

Ashley:

If you would like to find out what I'm doing and where I am, you can look me up on the internet, I guess? I don't really know much about that. At Ashleycrapapp, which is a fun little joke about feces. Ever heard of it?

Alistair Baldwin:

Yeah.

Ashley:

Thank you for being here and watching this or listening to this, my friends. And thank you to Molly Daniels for so rudely interrupting my phone line while I'm waiting for a very important call. Yeah, I'm kidding. Go see what she's doing, I guess. Alistair, have a great life.

Alistair Baldwin:

Are we not going to see each other again?

Ashley:

Goodbye.

Alistair Baldwin:

Bye.