Scamp - Episode 2 - Robyn Reynolds

Ashley:

This show was recorded on land that was stolen from the Wurundjeri people of The Kulin Nation. We acknowledge and celebrate the Traditional Owners of this land and their deep history of storytelling. We extend our acknowledgement to any Indigenous Peoples who may be watching or listening; and particularly invite viewers to reflect on the plight of Indigenous People living with disability under colonialism. Always was, always will be, Aboriginal land.

Ashley Apap:

Welcome to Scamp, the silliest place this side of hell. I'm Ashley Apap, writer, comedian, friend to all. You might know me from the streets and other locations. We are so lucky here at Scamp to have incredible sponsors and we could not be here without today's sponsor.

This episode of Scamp is proudly sponsored by Colon Cramps. Nothing quite gets you where you need to be like Colon Cramps. And that place, of course, is the nearest toilet. Colon Cramps, get up and go. Now, I have a wonderful guest here today, but before we get to them, actually, I need to make a personal call.

Okay, sorry, not to brag, but I'm really good personal friends with international superstar, Paul Giamatti, ever heard of him? So I just need to call him. I left some stuff at his casa, which is Spanish for house. I'm multicultural. All right. Well, Paul's obviously busy, so I guess we'll go to the next best thing. Robyn Reynolds is here everyone. Hello, Robyn.

Robyn Reynolds:

Hello.

Ashley Apap:

So happy to be here.

Robyn Reynolds:

Thanks for having me.

Ashley Apap:

It's my pleasure. How was your journey here?

Robyn Reynolds:

Yeah, it was pretty good. I'm sorry you couldn't get through to Paul Giamatti.

Ashley Apap:

Thank you. Thank you. I really appreciate that. You speak other languages too. Wow.

Robyn Reynolds:

Yeah. Very, very cultured.

Ashley Apap:

You are. Wow.

Robyn Reynolds:

Like a yogurt.

Ashley Apap:

So cultured that you recently moved from Sydney to Melbourne, I hear.

Robyn Reynolds:

Yeah, the Sydney, Melbourne rivalry is real, so I don't want to get canceled. But yeah, I'm very happy to be in Melbourne. Melbourne's the best.

Ashley Apap:

I agree. I'm very happy that you are here with us.

Robyn Reynolds:

When I'm in Sydney, I say Sydney's the best.

Ashley Apap:

I mean, look, we've got to play sides, don't we? It's politics. Everything in this world is politics, especially the Sydney and Melbourne rivalry. Can I ask you, what is your favorite thing about Melbourne now that you've been here for a little bit?

Robyn Reynolds:

For a week and a half?

Ashley Apap:

A week and a half.

Robyn Reynolds:

Probably, is it crazy if I do say the nightlife? I know that's such a basic bitch question, but I can't believe when I'm walking around after 9 and people are out of restaurants.

Ashley Apap:

That genuinely is true. I've only been to Sydney in my adult life for a week, and I was-

Robyn Reynolds:

Hungry.

Ashley Apap:

... hungry. I was so hungry. There was no food open late. There was nothing to do. I guess the lockout laws is a thing that we don't have here.

Robyn Reynolds:

Yeah. And I arrived in Sydney way after the lockout laws had already decimated everything.

Ashley Apap:

Can I ask, how long ago did you move to Australia?

Robyn Reynolds:

About seven years, I think. Yeah.

Ashley Apap:

What is the worst thing that you've noticed about this country?

Robyn Reynolds:

In Australia? I mean, how serious should we go?

Ashley Apap:

Let's go surface level, I would say.

Robyn Reynolds:

Surface level, superficial... Okay, surface level, the worst thing I've noticed about Australia? Oh, this is going to get me in so much trouble.

Ashley Apap:

Is it me?

Robyn Reynolds:

Yeah, it's Ashley Apap. Having just met you, I'm like, "What an absolute c- bomb." And I do, I mean the English wit. No, you're lovely. No, I'm going to say the worst thing is for me arriving as a Brit, what I thought very naively, as I'm sure a lot of other Brits do, that I thought Australia was going to be like Britain in the sun, would be the difference in banter.

Ashley Apap:

Oh.

Robyn Reynolds:

And the difference in being really direct. I had a really, really hard time making friends in Sydney because everyone thought I was being really rude and I was insulting people, and I was like, "Why aren't we fucking?" And they were just really upset.

Ashley Apap:

I will say, look, if you're from Sydney, we love you. We need you, the Opera House, what would we do without you? I think that that is less of a thing in Melbourne, I think. I think people here don't take things as seriously, maybe?

Robyn Reynolds:

Yeah, I got stuck in Sydney because of the beaches. It's really nice. But yeah, I do love the vibe of Melbourne. But yeah, it does really... It's so funny to me that Sydney... I'll just say Sydney-siders because I'm saying Australians, but I'd only lived in Sydney. Yeah, they think they've got the banter and they think that they've got the crack, and they absolutely do not.

Ashley Apap:

Yeah.

Robyn Reynolds:

Not in the same way at all.

Ashley Apap:

Well, I think British culture is so... it's obviously so ingrained, and they're just taking the piss out of each other and making fun of each other.

Robyn Reynolds:

And yourself.

Ashley Apap:

Yes. I wouldn't know what that's like. I take myself incredibly seriously.

Robyn Reynolds:

And that comes across, babe. And again, I'm so sorry about Paul.

Ashley Apap:

Friendships have seasons. At the moment, we're in a season of our friendship where he completely ignores my existence, and I guess, doesn't answer my calls.

Robyn Reynolds:

That's frosty. That's cold.

Ashley Apap:

Now, Robyn, I am going to ask you to tell me a story, if that's okay.

Robyn Reynolds:

Oh, yeah?

Ashley Apap:

Can you please tell me one of your most mischievous stories, whatever that means to you?

Robyn Reynolds:

Okay.

Ashley Apap:

It's mischief time. Dare I say, it's time to be a scamp.

Robyn Reynolds:

Oh, a little scamp. I'm not a very mischievous person.

Ashley Apap:

I doubt that.

Robyn Reynolds:

Oh, I'm being mischief-shamed. No, I'm very scared of authority. I always follow the rules. Okay, there is a story I can tell you, but it's a bit red-hot.

Ashley Apap:

I'm ready.

Robyn Reynolds:

Is that okay?

Ashley Apap:

Red-hot.

Robyn Reynolds:

Is that okay for this talk show?

Ashley Apap:

Absolutely. I want to hear every single detail of the weirdest, grossest thing that you could ever tell me.

Robyn Reynolds:

All right, well, this is that, and you've used the word single. This was back when I was single as a Pringle. Okay, so I've told this story before on stage a couple of times, but I've stopped telling it because people get too excited. They froth at the gash for this story. And it did happen when I was in London. I tell it as if it was when I first moved to Sydney, but yeah, nothing like this happened to me in Sydney.

Ashley Apap:

Facts being checked. That's right.

Robyn Reynolds:

Facts being checked, yeah.

Ashley Apap:

What scoop! Headline, put this on the screen. Robyn Reynolds is a big fat liar. Reference to Paul Giamatti.

Robyn Reynolds:

Oh my God. It's me and Paul, we're really similar, so I understand why you have me on.

Ashley Apap:

Of course.

Robyn Reynolds:

Yeah. So it was when I was freshly single, because I was in a long-term relationship for a little bit when I was young, with a guy who was older. And that's how they get you, actually. That is what happens. And then, so in my last year of uni, I was single, and I was pretty eager to date, and I was just saying yes to any date. And I've been chatting for a while with this guy on an app, and-

Ashley Apap:

You give him a pseudonym name. Can we give him a fake name?

Robyn Reynolds:

We can give him his real name, it's James. Is that all right?

Ashley Apap:

I mean...

Robyn Reynolds:

I wouldn't say his surname.

Ashley Apap:

I mean, that's his parents' fault that they gave him such a boring name.

Robyn Reynolds:

If he ever finds out about this, I mean, I hope that he's just happy that I can laugh about it now.

Ashley Apap:

I'm going to talk directly to James. If you're listening, it's okay.

Robyn Reynolds:

It's not, it's not. When I did go on a couple of dates with him, and they were quite nice and quite tame. And then I went back to his, and obviously, we're both uni students and young people. So we were both sharing with loads of people, which is normal now anyway, in the rental market. And yeah, we go back to his, and I nipped the loo for a little bit, and we were both... We'd just arrived at his house. So I just nipped to the loo. And I just want to be really real with you. I nipped to the loo and I know that I didn't take more than 30 seconds because I wasn't actually going to the loo, okay. I was just going to check that she's well.

Ashley Apap:

She's well

Robyn Reynolds:

Does she need anything?

Ashley Apap:

Is there any thrush happening? Do we have any...

Robyn Reynolds:

Is there any little annoying, little embarrassing bits of toilet roll? Right. Basically, I was just having a look.

Ashley Apap:

Can I just quickly ask, before the story progresses, how many hours or minutes before you moved to this second location of his place were you hanging out? How much rapport had been built?

Robyn Reynolds:

Yeah, he seemed sound as a pound. He seemed like a nice lad. It was really nice and sunny. We were drinking in a park.

Ashley Apap:

Excellent.

Robyn Reynolds:

And then we head back to his. And it was implied for a bit of hanky-panky. It was implied.

Ashley Apap:

I have no idea what hanky-panky means.

Robyn Reynolds:

Nor should you, you're going to hate this next bit then. So I nip to the loo, right? As aforementioned, not more than 30 seconds, I nipped to the loo, I come back, and James is fully nude. Okay, it's just, he's gone for it. He's gone for what he wanted. And very quickly, as soon as I come into the doorway of the room, he gets into the happy baby yoga pose.

Ashley Apap:

Would you be able to show anyone that's watching this exactly what he did? This happy baby pose for yogis?

Robyn Reynolds:

Yeah. No. All right. Okay. I'm going to get undressed. Not fully, but a little bit.

Ashley Apap:

Right. Minds out of the gutter, people. Robyn is now getting down on the ground. Okay. So you're lying on your back, you're holding your feet and you're kind of in a reverse fetal position, I would say. Yeah, lying on your back, your knees are bent, holding the tips of your feet. And, dare I say, exposing every hole that is in your nether regions. Not to me. She's wearing pants. Just so everyone's clear. I don't want anyone to think that I'm being harassed. A beautiful... She's now rolling, falling slightly to the side. That was an incredible, incredible display of...

Robyn Reynolds:

You're welcome.

Ashley Apap:

I'm grateful I'm... Wow.

Robyn Reynolds:

All right.

Ashley Apap:

What a day.

Robyn Reynolds:

Yay.

Ashley Apap:

He's showing hole. Everything but the hole. So help you hole.

Robyn Reynolds:

Not even showing hole, I could see inside the man, and it was all fully shaved as well because obviously, he knew what he wanted.

Ashley Apap:

It was intentional.

Robyn Reynolds:

It was very intentional.

Ashley Apap:

Right.

Robyn Reynolds:

And also, I was very sexually inexperienced at this point as well. I'm not now. Anyway, it's fine.

Ashley Apap:

Can ask how old you were at the time, just for context of... I don't know how shocking it would be.

Robyn Reynolds:

Maybe 20, 21?

Ashley Apap:

If I was 20, 21, and I opened a door to man's hole, I think I would, not in an offensive way, I think I would laugh in his face. I wouldn't know what to do.

Robyn Reynolds:

Well, essentially... Okay, so when I opened the door, he was naked, and he was kind of lying on the bed. And then when I came through the doorway, it was like he got excited and he just hooked his hands behind his legs. And I think I was so shocked that I was just kind of like... Right. So I've got a really expressionful... expressessionful... expressive face.

Ashley Apap:

Word of the day? Expressionfull.

Robyn Reynolds:

Fucking hell. So yeah, it was really odd that he was so like... Okay. He was already very turned on by the situation. And I was like, "How could you be?" I was wearing a jumper, and I was like... He was just so into it because this was what he wanted. All the dates had been building towards this, when he could get what he wanted.

Ashley Apap:

The whole time he was plotting.

Robyn Reynolds:

The whole time.

Ashley Apap:

You were there telling him how many siblings you have, where you grew up. And he's like, "Hole, hole, hole. I'm going to show you my hole."

Robyn Reynolds:

Yeah. And so I walk in, and then he's kind of like that. And I don't remember, obviously this story has been colored by the ravages of time, but I don't remember saying much. I don't remember saying much, but I was thinking a lot. I was thinking a lot of things. I was thinking like, "Oh, this is what you wanted. You wanted to be sexually adventurous and you wanted to date different people, and look at where you are now." So that's why I think of it as mischievous, because it's definitely the weirdest, anyway.

Ashley Apap:

Yeah very mischievous.

Robyn Reynolds:

It feels mischievous.

Ashley Apap:

It is.

Robyn Reynolds:

But I'm quite a passive person in this story. And then he goes, "I would love it if you would lick my asshole." And he also, he just looked so happy. He was like... He was so excited. And I was kind of like, "Oh." And I kind of got round to the base of the bed, and I assessed what was going on. And yeah, just fully, I mean, I could tell from the doorway, just absolutely spick and span. I've got to say, female and male, one of the best looking assholes I've ever seen. Yeah, he was keeping it tight with James, and...

Ashley Apap:

Tight butthole. Can I ask, when you said you're assessing the situation, so you're just kind of perusing?

Robyn Reynolds:

I remember myself being silent.

Ashley Apap:

Yeah,

Robyn Reynolds:

I remember myself being absolutely... Just 20 years, just creeping around the bed, and just like, "Oh." Like a woodland creature.

Ashley Apap:

Barely able to rent a car. Legally.

Robyn Reynolds:

Not. Yeah.

Ashley Apap:

Not?

Robyn Reynolds:

No, I don't think so. And yeah, and I'm just kind of staring at it. I'm making eye contact with the asshole, and yeah, I was thinking a lot of things in my head of how this is what I wanted, and how I wanted to be sexually adventurous, and this is what happens. And also I didn't know, I was like, because I've only ever dated one person. I was like, "Oh, maybe when you go on three dates with someone and you go back to their house, this is what other people have been up to the whole time." And just none of my friends have been telling me because-

Ashley Apap:

The whole time.

Robyn Reynolds:

They were just like, "Oh, Robyn must know about the bums." So yeah, I sort of get down there, and I do think, "Okay, I should just give this a go." And I just stick my little tongue out. And if you've ever seen a video, you can google this. It's actually a really cute video. It's like a gecko eating a cheerio, and it's just like the gecko just looks like this. That's what I did, and in my jumper, and I just was like this. But his asshole was like all the way over there. So I started way too early.

Ashley Apap:

So you were like, just say this microphone is the... You are like...

Robyn Reynolds:

Way further back, way further back. Behind where the sofa is. I was so far.

Ashley Apap:

How close did you get, do you think? What's the closest to the hole?

Robyn Reynolds:

Well, I start leaning, and I realized I actually still had to physically walk a few steps, that's how far away I was. I remember walking towards the bed frame with my tongue out, just upright.

Ashley Apap:

That's amazing.

Robyn Reynolds:

It was so far. But he was so into it, right? He was so into it that he starts going, okay, he made this... He was like... And I was like nowhere near it. He must have been... This is literally his fantasy because it wasn't sexy. I'm in a jumper, and I'm like... walking. It was hilarious.

Ashley Apap:

Only a jumper, or were you also wearing pants?

Robyn Reynolds:

No, I was wearing trousers.

Ashley Apap:

I understand what you mean. The fact that you're... A jumper is, I think, the least sexy thing anyone can wear.

Robyn Reynolds:

Okay, yeah. So I fully lean forward, and I get close enough, and I'm like... And I get really, really close to it. And I will honestly say, as bumholes go, stunning, really cute, little tight, hairless, bumhole.

Ashley Apap:

It will win an award?

Robyn Reynolds:

I think it could have won an award, "Most Unexpected Bumhole." Yeah. So I get really, really, really close, and I'm trying to psyche myself up in my head, and I'm trying to think, it's just skin, in it. After a few licks, it would just be like skin. And it's not that weird, and it's fine. I was really, really, I was like, "I'm sure other people have done this, otherwise, why would this be happening? This must be the done thing." I was really trying to tell myself that. And then I got very, very close. And I don't know why this thought came through my head, but I remember really looking at it, and I was really like, "I'm going to do this." And I was so, so, so close to it. And then just one coherent thought went through my head, and it was like, "How did I get here?"

And it was enough to make me... You know when you read a word in a book and you're like, "Oh, no one's ever actually done that." It was enough to make me guffaw. And I do think I've never guffawed before or since. And I just like sputter air onto his tiny little hairless bumhole. And I'm laughing so hard. I'm really laughing.

Ashley Apap:

That's amazing.

Robyn Reynolds:

I'm really, absolutely... The ridiculousness of the situation just completely comes out of me. And I'm just laughing so, so, so much. And he was furious. He was not happy. He was no longer a happy baby. And he rolled over onto his side. I could not stop laughing. I could not stop laughing. It was so funny.

Ashley Apap:

Also, going from being fully like, "Okay, here we go. I'm going to do this. Great."

Robyn Reynolds:

Oh, and I was like-

Ashley Apap:

It's normal. You're not shaming him at all. But then just to hear your own thoughts in real time. That is very funny.

Robyn Reynolds:

I think it too. It's probably happened to all of us. Maybe when you've been... Maybe not like this, but when you've been on a date and maybe you're about to do something sexual and then you realize, I think especially for women, you realize that you're not aroused at all. And I think that's what happened to me as well. I was there, and I was like, "Oh, go on, then, I'll have a go." And then I was like, "Wait, I'm really not sexually aroused at all." And he was fully erect. He was so into this.

Ashley Apap:

I think, yes. It's very clear that he loved it.

Robyn Reynolds:

He loved it. If there's one thing he should take away from this, it's like he had a really, really nice looking bumhole.

Ashley Apap:

I am really happy for him.

Robyn Reynolds:

Yeah.

Ashley Apap:

And also, it's very lovely that in that moment you just accepted what was happening rather than... I don't know, I think at that age I wasn't emotionally mature enough to not be like, "What are you doing?"

Robyn Reynolds:

You are really deifying me in this. You're like, "Oh, you were so lovely." So, I was just very obedient. And I should never tell people that. I shouldn't go on a podcast and be like, "I'm very sexually obedient." But I don't know, I don't think I knew that I could be like, "Oh, this is weird." I don't think I knew that I could do that. Whereas now I'd be like, "Oh, no judgment, absolutely, but not for me. Not tonight," but-

Ashley Apap:

Tomorrow.

Robyn Reynolds:

Yeah, maybe tomorrow. Give me a go on Wednesday when it's hump day, isn't it? And we will just see what happens.

Ashley Apap:

Wednesday is hump day. Thursday is hole day.

Robyn Reynolds:

Yeah.

Ashley Apap:

But it was Friday, so.

Robyn Reynolds:

I wasn't into it. Anyway, that's probably the most mischievous thing because he was really angry, which was quite funny. No, it was already funny. And he calmed down, he was very well-endowed. Fair play to him, honestly. I'm sure he is doing very well. I'm sure he has found someone who's really into what he's into. And he was swinging his willy around, and he was... It was very funny. He was like, "How dare you?" And it was very funny. Yeah.

Ashley Apap:

Did you see him again after that?

Robyn Reynolds:

No.

Ashley Apap:

Yeah. That makes sense.

Robyn Reynolds:

But he carried on messaging me. After he calmed down, he was kind of like, "Do you want to go get pizza or something?"

Ashley Apap:

Well, that one puff of air that you breathed under his hole probably left a mark.

Robyn Reynolds:

He was like, "She knows what she's doing." I absolutely don't.

Ashley Apap:

Pressure. Ooh, like those tests, when you get your eyes tested and they blow the air into your eye, he should just go there and get them to do that into his ass.

Robyn Reynolds:

Do you think they'd do that?

Ashley Apap:

I'm nothing if not an innovator. And I found something that would work for him, and I'm recommending it. So James, if you're out there, just go to Spec Savers, not affiliated with this podcast, but I know that they do blow puffs of air in your eyes-

Robyn Reynolds:

I don't think that they'd want to be affiliated after this.

Ashley Apap:

Spec Savers.

Robyn Reynolds:

Like, "Oh, we've been mentioned." On our Google alerts. "What is it? Oh my God, what are they talking about? Hole?"

Ashley Apap:

Now, Robyn, I have some questions that I'm going to ask you. Just rapid-fire questions, answer however you want. Okay. Safe space.

Robyn Reynolds:

Okay.

Ashley Apap:

My first one is, what's your favorite color?

Robyn Reynolds:

Blue.

Ashley Apap:

Which shade? Which shade are we thinking?

Robyn Reynolds:

Ocean blue.

Ashley Apap:

Ocean blue.

Robyn Reynolds:

Yeah.

Ashley Apap:

Lovely. And have you ever shit yourself?

Robyn Reynolds:

No. I know. Very proud of that. Other people have shat themselves, and they don't have Crohn's disease, like Muggins here.

Ashley Apap:

That's amazing. That's amazing to not have shat yourself, with Crohn's.

Robyn Reynolds:

Thank you. Very proud of myself.

Ashley Apap:

I'm proud of you too.

Robyn Reynolds:

I've thrown up everywhere.

Ashley Apap:

Here?

Robyn Reynolds:

Not today.

Ashley Apap:

Not yet.

Robyn Reynolds:

I just threw up yesterday.

Ashley Apap:

Oh.

Robyn Reynolds:

I know.

Ashley Apap:

What did you eat that made it happen? Or is it not eating?

Robyn Reynolds:

It's not anything that's eaten. It's just stress. Yeah. You know how normal people get stressed and they're like, "Oh, it's so annoying." And I'm like, "No, it is annoying. Except when I get stressed, I get shingles."

Ashley Apap:

When I get stressed, my joints are like, "You can't move now."

Robyn Reynolds:

Yeah.

Ashley Apap:

Yeah, I get you. My final question for you is, if I asked you to shit yourself right now on queue, would you do it?

Robyn Reynolds:

I couldn't.

Ashley Apap:

You couldn't?

Robyn Reynolds:

I don't have that control over my bowel, they control me.

Ashley Apap:

How often in a week would you say that you make feces?

Robyn Reynolds:

In a week?

Ashley Apap:

How many times a day, a week?

Robyn Reynolds:

I mean, in a flare-up, if it's really bad, in a week, maybe like zero. Ooh.

Ashley Apap:

Ooh.

Robyn Reynolds:

Anyway, that's the perfect woman. But I'm very bloated, and then I look really disgusted. In a normal week, maybe like nine.

Ashley Apap:

Whoa.

Robyn Reynolds:

Is that too many?

Ashley Apap:

No, I'm like, it's canon that I am constipated at all times.

Robyn Reynolds:

Oh, yeah.

Ashley Apap:

So I'm just impressed whenever it's... Even one a day, to me, I'm like...

Robyn Reynolds:

No, I call them my smoothie, smoothie inside pills. So I've got a combination always of immunosuppressants and anti-inflammatories. And when I remember to take them...

Ashley Apap:

Can I ask which immuno immunosuppressants you're on?

Robyn Reynolds:

Oh yeah. We can if you want, yes.

Ashley Apap:

Only because I want to talk about it because I am.

Robyn Reynolds:

Oh yeah, I'm on Imuran.

Ashley Apap:

Woo.

Robyn Reynolds:

It's got the word "Im," in like immune, and then Pentasa is my smooth smoothie inside pills. And then, of course, I take loads of over-the-counter stuff as well that you can just get at the pharmacy. And yeah, really annoying. It does genuinely make you healthier when you exercise and you eat well, and you're just like, "Oh, fuck off."

Ashley Apap:

Yeah, absolutely.

Robyn Reynolds:

Yeah.

Ashley Apap:

I'm a Cosentyx girly.

Robyn Reynolds:

Ooh.

Ashley Apap:

Not sponsored.

Robyn Reynolds:

Yet.

Ashley Apap:

Yeah. Was Humira, then was something else that I can't even remember the name of. But now I'm on that. One injection a month, baby. Let's go. Yeah, injections.

Good, got to stay hydrated in this town. And this town is, of course, my home.

Oh, sorry. It's probably Paul. Oh my God. Hello?

Isaac:

Hey Ash.

Ashley Apap:

That's my friend Isaac. Hi, Isaac.

Isaac:

Yeah. Hey, listen, could you do me a favor?

Ashley Apap:

It depends what it is. I don't know if I have time. I'm actually, I'm kind of busy right now. I'm waiting for an important call from Paul Giamatti. What's up?

Isaac:

Can you stop telling people that you taught me everything I know, please? I actually work really hard on all my material. And I've spent a really long time perfecting my craft, and it's just...

Ashley Apap:

I'm his mentor.

Robyn Reynolds:

You tell him everything.

Ashley Apap:

Yeah, Yeah, exactly. He's... I've got to give the kid a pep talk. Don't worry about it.

Isaac:

I'm a grown man, Ashley.

Ashley Apap:

All right. Yeah, you go get him, Bucko. Don't let anyone ever walk all over you. You can do this. All right.

Isaac:

You are quite literally doing that right now.

Ashley Apap:

All right? Yep. You're a superstar. Go get them, kid.

Isaac:

No, fucking hell!

Ashley Apap:

Have a good day, yeah. He just talk so much, you know. I taught him everything he knows.

Robyn Reynolds:

He's having a tan too, who new?

Ashley Apap:

Yeah. It's hard to be in my shadow, I think. And I really did raise him as my own. But I got things to do.

Robyn Reynolds:

Men, they're so emotional.

Ashley Apap:

I know. I know. So we were just talking about medications. So to everyone watching and/or listening to this, I've actually tricked you. You didn't know that this is a podcast made by and with disabled artists. That's right. So all the abled pucks out there, pranked you. But the point of it is not to focus on that too much, but I would like to give my guests, who are also all disabled artists, a little moment to kind of let loose and rant, if they want to, for a minute about the most ridiculous, or deranged, or silly thing that an able-bodied person has recommended to cure your chronic illness or disability. So I'm going to get a one-minute timer happening, and I want you to say as much as you can, as quickly as you can.

Robyn Reynolds:

Oh My God.

Ashley Apap:

As much energy as you want. Are you ready?

Robyn Reynolds:

I think so.

Ashley Apap:

Okay, your time starts now.

Robyn Reynolds:

Well, first off, I'd like to just say a massive fuck you to all of the doctors, and I mean all of the doctors who misdiagnosed me because I'm such a "healthy young woman." And they all just told me I was either pregnant or having period pain. So just obviously the two illnesses that women can have, whereas if they had tested me at all, they would have seen that I was so deficient in everything and obviously have Crohn's disease. Anyway. And I was shitting blood, which I know is the wrong hole. I'm not a doctor, and I know that's the wrong hole. Why don't you know that's the wrong hole?

And also, I would like to do a shout-out to Marie at my old workplace, who used to come up to me all the time after I had been in the ER. And I was never talking about it at work, she would always just come up to me and be like, "Babe, I know exactly what you need because I get it because I'm iron deficient too." And I'm like, "That's actually not what I have." And she would be like, "You just need to go and eat a big, juicy burger, and that's going to fix you."

And I was like, "Marie, I have not shit in two weeks. That is the last thing I need to be doing. I do not need to eat a big, juicy burger. That will not cure me. That will not help me at all." But imagine if it did cure me, and I was like, "Oh, this burger is really clearing out my colon." Imagine if I did. Imagine if that's the cure, and I just didn't know because I wasn't doing it.

Ashley Apap:

Five seconds.

Robyn Reynolds:

Oh my God. I just hate you, Marie. Fuck you. And fuck all the doctors. But not the good one, though. Not the one I have now. Yay, it's smooth smoothie inside pills. That's all. Go shit.

Ashley Apap:

That was a minute.

Robyn Reynolds:

Okay. Thank you.

Ashley Apap:

That was beautiful. That was the fastest speaking I've ever heard in my life. Fuck you, Marie.

Robyn Reynolds:

She meant well.

Ashley Apap:

She meant well. And annoyingly, most of them do. But I'm glad that you got that out. And imagine if a burger-

Robyn Reynolds:

Imagine if it fixed it. Imagine if it fixed it.

Ashley Apap:

It is really annoying how sometimes the holistic things like exercise genuinely does help me.

Robyn Reynolds:

No, it's fucked up.

Ashley Apap:

I hate that it does.

Robyn Reynolds:

It is fucked up. I really struggled to get diagnosed. And a lot of GPs, I probably went to 10, and a lot of them were like, "You need to take soluble fiber." Which, of course, my body was not producing, I wasn't going to the loo. So I swelled up, and I literally did look pregnant. And then I was like... Well, now I get why they would think that I was pregnant, but not before. And then I was still not pregnant. You know, didn't want anyone anywhere near me that could have done that.

Ashley Apap:

Imagine if someone thought they were pregnant, and then they gave birth out of the puss, dare I say. And it was a piece of shit. The opposite. Imagine if it was the opposite.

Robyn Reynolds:

I think that's what's keeping the open mic scene alive, actually.

Ashley Apap:

I think that's the world I want to live in.

Robyn Reynolds:

Yeah.

Ashley Apap:

Stop having babies. Start having baby-size shits. Something to think about.

Robyn Reynolds:

That's disgusting. That's so vile.

Ashley Apap:

Then you'll get a horrible infection, I guess. You're not supposed to put that in there.

Robyn Reynolds:

There shouldn't be poo in there, Ashley.

Ashley Apap:

Now, we're going to play a little game. So just loosen up, just shake off all our little grievances at the Ableist Society in which we live, and just do something that has nothing to do with any of that. Get back into the silliness. We're going to play a little improv game, which is called Convergence. Basically, what we're going to do is, we're going to count to three, and at the same time, each of us is going to say a word, anything, whatever we think of first. And we're going to try and get as close as we can by saying words that combine those two things together. So, like word association, until we say the same word. And I believe we can make it happen.

Robyn Reynolds:

All right.

Ashley Apap:

Are you ready?

Robyn Reynolds:

Yeah.

Ashley Apap:

Okay. Have you got your first word in your head?

Robyn Reynolds:

Yeah, now I do. Yeah.

Ashley Apap:

Okay. 1, 2, 3. Ladder.

Robyn Reynolds:

Bum.

Ashley Apap:

What did you say?

Robyn Reynolds:

Bum.

Ashley Apap:

Bum. And I said ladder. Okay. 1, 2, 3. Workouts.

Robyn Reynolds:

Builders.

Ashley Apap:

Builders and workout. 1, 2, 3. Masculinity.

Robyn Reynolds:

CrossFit.

Ashley Apap:

Oh, CrossFit and masculinity, they're-

Robyn Reynolds:

That's the same word. That's the same word.

Ashley Apap:

That's the same word, almost. We're pretty close.

1, 2, 3. Tank top.

Robyn Reynolds:

Toxic.

Ashley Apap:

Toxic tank top. They do go together.

1, 2, 3. Supre.

Robyn Reynolds:

I didn't say one, but I was going to say Cotton On.

Ashley Apap:

We're getting there. Okay. Okay. Cotton On and Supre. Fun fact, I used to work at Cotton On. They are owned, both, by the same company. Cotton On Group. Yeah, I know things.

Okay. 1, 2, 3. Shopping.

Robyn Reynolds:

Shopping.

Ashley Apap:

We did it.

Robyn Reynolds:

I didn't think that was going to work.

Ashley Apap:

It always happens.

Robyn Reynolds:

Improv is magic.

Ashley Apap:

Improv is magic. Improv is magic.

Robyn Reynolds:

Why can't improv and stand-up just get along? That's what I want to know?

Ashley Apap:

They can, and they will. And together, we're going to bridge that gap. Meet in the middle. We did it.

Robyn Reynolds:

Now I'm aroused.

Ashley Apap:

We've healed the great divide in comedy. Now, Robyn, I'm very, very grateful that you've been here today. Thank you so much. We're almost at the end, but we've won more ad from one of our sponsors. And I'm going to give you the chance to read this out.

Robyn Reynolds:

I'd love to read it.

Ashley Apap:

Just try and do your best presenter voice, and just know that we are being paid millions by this company. So you got to just give it as much gravitas as you can.

Robyn Reynolds:

Okay. Oh my God. This episode has been proudly sponsored by Foreskin, preserving your pH levels, maintaining sensitivity, and most importantly, the best place to store loose paperclips.

Ashley Apap:

Foreskin, thank you so much for sponsoring today's episode. Now, before I let you go, I want to give you something very special because what you've done here today has confirmed that you are indeed, just like me, a little scamp. And so I have created a special PhD in Tom Foolery for you. And you have graduated here for being a downright scamp. So that is yours to take home. You can frame that.

Robyn, where can people, A, find any updated lists. Lists? Where can people find all of your latest shows and everything that you are up to? And is there anything specific that you want to plug?

Robyn Reynolds:

You can find all my shows on my website. I think if you Google "Robyn Reynolds comedy," I think I come up. I think if you Google "Robyn Reynolds," a marriage celebrant comes up, but I'm planning to become a marriage celebrant and just take all her work. I'm not, but I just don't like that she's taking my SEO. And yeah, if you are walking by a pub and you can hear a meat raffle, I'm probably in there hosting an open mic. So just give it a whirl. Just get in there.

Ashley Apap:

Robyn Reynolds and meat raffles.

Robyn Reynolds:

Name a more iconic...

Ashley Apap:

Also, thank you to Isaac Haag for his lovely phone call. Go see what he's doing. Wherever he is, just remember that I taught him everything he knows, of course. And Paul, if you are out there watching this, I'm waiting. I'm waiting, my friend. Thank you, Robyn.

Robyn Reynolds:

Thank you.

Ashley Apap:

Goodbye friends.