Scamp - Episode 3 - Grace Jarvis

Ashely Apap
This show was recorded on land that was stolen from the Wurundjeri people of The Kulin Nation. We acknowledge and celebrate the traditional owners of this land and their deep history of storytelling. We extend our acknowledgement to any Indigenous peoples who may be watching or listening and particularly invite viewers to reflect on the plight of Indigenous people living with disability under colonialism. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land.

Ashely Apap
Welcome to Scamp, the silliest place this side of hell. I'm Ashley Apap. You might know me from your worst nightmares or your most uncomfortable dreams or Out in the world. I don't know where you see me or what I'm doing half the time. Now we are very lucky to have sponsored ads on this show, which is Crazy. I'm very famous. So this episode is proudly sponsored by fingernails.

Ashely Apap
How else are you going to pick that snot out? Now I have a very special guest here, but before I start talking to them actually have a really important phone call to make. So Not to brag, but I'm best best friends with Hollywood superstar Paul Giamatti and I just need to check in on him because he's going through a really hard time at the moment and I just Need to support my friend.

Ashely Apap
Actually, I'm really thoughtful and kind and I know that there's other rumors been going around about me. All right, well, I'll just call him back later. He'll probably call me. I am very lucky everyone to have the wonderful writer, comedian and dare I say Most immaculate dresser of all time, Grace Jarvis is here.

Ashely Apap
Hello. Look what

Grace Jarvis
Wonderful as always. I feel like that is only inviting critiques of my outfit.

Ashely Apap
If you critique her outfit, I'm gonna find where you live and I'm gonna take a steaming hot poo On your doorstep. That's always your threat Because I'm always ready How are you today? I'm all right. How are you?

Ashely Apap
I'm all wonderful I it were talking about before actually that you recently found out that you have curly hair

Grace Jarvis
I had do, it turns out. I think I've been thinking about this. I think I would have eventually figured out that I had autism and ADHD without the help of TikTok, but I would not have figured out that I had curly hair.

Grace Jarvis
That information was hidden from me for years. But apparently I do, and this is where I'm at now. And people keep being like, what are you doing to your hair? And I'm like, just not brushing it. That does not brushing it as voraciously as I have been my entire life.

Grace Jarvis
Does not brushing it as though it was completely flat.

Ashely Apap
I'm the complete opposite and I have the world's flattest hair even though there's small Lizzie McGuire as waves crimps She's crimped. Yeah, I got a crimper. Don't worry about it. It's 2002 in my mind.

Ashely Apap
Got arts funding. She's crimped

Grace Jarvis
crimping.

Ashely Apap
Arts Funding is for crimping, portfolio diversity, and snacks. Those are the three things I sort them for. I'm incredibly jealous, yeah. My hair is very, very flat. And I too saw all the TikTok videos of curly -haired girls.

Ashely Apap
Standing in the shower upside down. Scrunching the hair, diffusing. And I once was like, my old housemate has really beautiful, naturally curly hair. And she similarly, she used to straighten it every day, brush it out.

Ashely Apap
Scrubbed she'd curly hair and now she's continued to let the curls.

Grace Jarvis
I mean, it's only added more problems into my life. I mean, it's now I know that it can look like this. So now I have to do all the steps. If it doesn't. And I already have low blood pressure. So now I'm standing upside down in a shower, like wobbling, wobbling over this, like, just dizzy upside down.

Grace Jarvis
That's probably not the smartest thing. In hot water,

Ashely Apap
What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? It's not what's wrong with you. It's what's wrong with society. Okay. That we think women need to do specific things to our hair. Oh my God. Gravity is bad.

Grace Jarvis
bad for my heart.

Ashely Apap
What's worse, gravity or female beauty standards? They're not, they're both pretty oppressive. They're both equally bad for women, I would say.

Grace Jarvis
Let's get rid of gravity. I think I like gravity slightly.

Ashely Apap
I would say though, as two people who have issues with their joints, maybe it would be better to not have grasps.

Grace Jarvis
Actually, you're right if we could yeah, no that might be a lot of what it is It's just so joint pain is just all gravity. Yeah, exactly. It's all it's all the effect of gravity on the body Let's go slow around we'd be fine

Ashely Apap
Yeah, let's go to, let's, hey, space guys if you're out there and you want two cool people to go to space to test out what happens to straight hair and curly hair, you've got two candidates.

Grace Jarvis
right here.

Ashely Apap
I feel like I've always been really comforted by the fact that if there was ever any kind of conscription where everyone was conscripted to a war. Not us, baby.

Grace Jarvis
Oh, my feet are far too flat. Oh, my feet are not flat, but everything else is wrong. Oh, yeah.

Ashely Apap
Yeah, I forgot about all the everything else that I also have, but knowing that I have the jumping off point of flat feet is really helpful. Yeah, it's important. Yeah, plus woman. Plus woman, but you know, these days, what does that even mean?

Ashely Apap
Nothing.

Grace Jarvis
No, it doesn't mean anything. There's no such thing as women, they're a myth. There's no genders anymore. This is my platform. I've decided to stop talking about misogyny in my comedy and just start pretending like it's not happening.

Grace Jarvis
Yeah.

Ashely Apap
I think that's how we've had to get through it most of the time.

Grace Jarvis
I've been yelling, I've been mad, and now I'm like, actually, I'm just like, slip over to the side of all these men pretending it's not happening. Absolutely. Having a lot more fun to be.

Ashely Apap
be honest. That's what that person meant when they said lean in, right? That meant pretend it's not happening.

Grace Jarvis
other direction. Ignore it. Lean in to your head into the sand.

Ashely Apap
Lean your head so deep into the sand that you pop out the other side. Remember when we were little and everything was, you can dig a hole to China?

Grace Jarvis
I was an autistic child and therefore none of that made sense to me. I was like no. Yeah, I correct. I always was like that is not... I feel like you've just finished teaching me that the middle of the earth is like molten hot.

Grace Jarvis
Exactly. I... Where is the logic behind this?

Ashely Apap
We're obsessed with lava. Without us knowing that it is the core of everything. It's there, it's in the middle. We can't be digging through it. Also, geographically, China is not...

Grace Jarvis

directly opposite here. I'm gonna myself an asbestos suit. No, it really isn't. I guess they're all based on America and being in North America. That's true. We, it's less, it's actually less effective to dig a hole to China than it is to just boat or fly.

Grace Jarvis
It's like it's quite nearby. To boat or not to boat. It is somewhat era your children's cartoon is set in is what I'm saying. Absolutely. You may not have access to planes, but that would be my advice.

Grace Jarvis
Hey, listen, if you're looking to get to China, my advice would be the plane option, but you don't have to follow my advice always. I would, I think that you've got great advice. Thanks so much. There's so much stuff from kids TV that people talk about like quicksand and like I thought that would be a bigger deal in my life.

Grace Jarvis
I again, grew up in the Southern Hemisphere, so I didn't. But leeches, surprisingly, pretty frequent. I've actually come into contact with multiple leeches. Has it caused issues? I mean, they've taken my blood.

Grace Jarvis
That is an issue. Unless you take that much.

Ashely Apap
blood. Okay, this is what we should do with leeches. We should get all leeches to do a course in pathology. Right. Why don't they start taking our blood?

Grace Jarvis
convinced they don't have them. I think leeches may be the most qualified medical professionals of the natural world.

Ashely Apap
You hear that? The leeches are coming for your jobs.

Grace Jarvis
medical professionals. It's a disabled person in 2023. I'm saying leeches and doctors jerking women off.

Ashely Apap
I don't know how we got there, but I'm glad that we did.

Grace Jarvis
hysteria. I'm actually pretty convinced that my issues are all hysteria -based. I'm pretty sure I don't have anything else.

Ashely Apap
I think they are for us all. I would also like to point out. I think we had enough orgasms in a row, I'd be cute. Everything would be fine. I'd also like to point out to anyone that is watching or listening that doesn't have any kind of neurodivergence, they're probably like, where have, how have we gotten here?

Ashely Apap
And how quickly did we get here? But that's what happens when you have two brains that have ADHD in one space. Yeah, we're, yeah. We're just doing well with the time that we have.

Grace Jarvis
You, you heard, you heard the, you didn't hear the bits that we heard that God

Ashely Apap
got us where we are. Yeah, we're on a different frequency to everyone else right now. We're like ants. We're like ants. We're so strong. We're actually not. I'd say we're two of the weakest women in comedy.

Ashely Apap
Weakest women in comedy.

Grace Jarvis
We're not well.

Ashely Apap
I would love to hear from you a story of something mischievous from your life, anything at all. Whether it's a story directly about you or about someone you know, just someone being a little bit cheeky and silly in whatever context that means to you.

Grace Jarvis
encounters with swans throughout my short life. Do go on. Swans have vendetta against me and they want me dead. Usually I, on several occasions I've been trying to feed the swans and instead of taking the food that I'm offering them, they take my fingers, which as a child was harrowing.

Grace Jarvis
As a larger child though, I was once just standing near a pond at Rainbow Springs in New Zealand. Shout out. Shout out. And a swan, I was just listening to the audio tour, you know, minding my own business.

Grace Jarvis
Being the most autistic kid at the place. Having a lovely time. Hearing some facts about water fowl and whatnot. And a swan bit me on the thigh. And I looked down and saw that a swan was attached to me and I freaked out and I started screaming.

Grace Jarvis
But the swan was unperturbed by this. So at a certain point I stopped screaming because nothing was happening. Didn't make a difference to you. And I just like brought, I went with the swan to my parents and to be like, I meant a swan has me.

Grace Jarvis
And they were like, how could it have you? It's like a quarter of your size. And I was like, well, it's not so much that it has me, it's that my thigh is in its mouth.

Ashely Apap
This one looks at your parents and is like, hello, I'm a new member of your family. I'm coming home with you and this is my final.

Grace Jarvis
now. Being walked by a swan. It was like, it has me. But also it's not, it's not like, it's not got a van.

Ashely Apap
I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Swan's not gonna be able to grab you and snatch you away. It's kind of like, now I've got you. She knows where I'll stay.

Grace Jarvis
got yeah how old did you say you were like 10 or 11 I want to get this shit out of me it was pretty big compared to the swan and it still had dominance over me

Ashely Apap
Man, they are cheeky, aren't they? And they've got teeth? Have you seen any of these videos? Have you seen any of these diagrams or videos? Now, I'm not encouraging anyone to look this up, but of how they have intercourse.

Ashely Apap
Swans? I don't know if it's just swans or ducks, but I know that duck... Oh, they've got like a corkscrew penis. They've got corkscrew genitalia.

Grace Jarvis
Bye.

Ashely Apap
What the fuck was an evolution? God, if it's anything, whatever it is, whatever made swans have that, why? Why would they?

Grace Jarvis
Is that why? I think it's because they... This is not the funny answer. I think this is the real reason. I think they do... Because sex is not pleasurable because they don't have like nice nerve endings in their vaginas.

Grace Jarvis
Yes. So they just have to be caught and...

Ashely Apap
Maybe that's what this one saw your leg and was like, hmm, surely there's a hole around there.

Grace Jarvis
And he was right. And he was right. He was pretty, you know, he was close -ish for a swan. Yeah. He was like, pin the swan on the preteen girl.

Ashely Apap
Oh my god. Wow. Well, I'm glad there's no swans here today.

Grace Jarvis
as well. I'm greatly frightened of them. Not in a way where some girls who are like quirky and are like, I'm afraid of birds and I'm like, why? Well,

Ashely Apap
Well, there is a goose behind me. Oh no.

Grace Jarvis
I'm like regular birds are fine like you know birds most birds have I have no business You know I have no business. I have no business. Yes. Yes. It's swans. However Have we've come toe -to -toe at least three times and I am nil for three so I don't fuck with them

Ashely Apap
the last time I saw a swan. That's what I mean. They come at you when you're at your lowest. Maybe there's something, maybe like, you're giving off like a swan, pheromone thing that you smell real good to swans or something.

Ashely Apap
It's unnerving.

Grace Jarvis
I grew up in the country, so I don't understand people who grew up in the city because they're always like, I don't know how to drive. And I'm like, what do you mean? You're an adult. How do you get around?

Grace Jarvis
But it's because they've always had access to public transport and whatnot. I'm like, where did you lose your virginities? Anyway, you've got no paddocks. You've got no cars. I'm concerned for you. Anyway.

Grace Jarvis
On the tram side.

Ashely Apap
tracks surely not. Now Grace I will be asking you a few questions. Just whatever comes to mind first, just answer honestly. Alright, what is your favorite day of the week?

Grace Jarvis
This is so hot.

Ashely Apap
Don't read too into it too much.

Grace Jarvis
I forgot that rapid fire questions require rapid fire answers. Quick, there's a fire! Rapid! Quick! Right, favorite day of the week. I don't care for most of them. Right. I guess Friday. Not that I'm particularly employed, but you know, it's a fun vibe on the streets.

Grace Jarvis
I would agree.

Ashely Apap
is a fun vibe on the streets. That's a slogan of Friday. Right, sure. And secondly, if you had to murder one member of your family, who would it be and why?

Grace Jarvis

Probably somewhere I'm not that attached to. If we could find a loose cousin that I've never met before, that would be helpful.

Ashely Apap
when you said loose cousin, I immediately thought, ah, slutty cousin.

Grace Jarvis
Could be that, could be that, wouldn't be why. No, but just one of the ones I don't know, probably.

Ashely Apap
That's a good answer. My dad, every time I think of the word loose, my dad once referred to Miley Cyrus when she clearly pivoted from Hannah Montana to now being like, I'm naked on a wrecking ball. And I'm good for her.

Ashely Apap
Good for her is what I said, but my dad said, she's turned into a bit of a loosey -loose tubes, which made me think, does my dad not know the anatomy of the female reproductive system? That he thinks that if you are like sexually promiscuous, which she wasn't, or if she was, who cares?

Ashely Apap
That means that your fallopian tubes become loose?

Grace Jarvis
I think maybe the tube is the vagina, but again, there's only one tube. Unless it's also her anus tube. And her, I guess it could be all loose tubes, like a bundle of wires. That's how they make Disney stars.

Grace Jarvis
They just shove all the loose wires from a fucking drawer inside a person. And they're like, go. Loose? Yeah, go. We're gonna work you for 16 hour days, your entire adolescence. It's not gonna have an effect on you mentally.

Grace Jarvis
No, there's no way that this- It will only be criticism.

Ashely Apap
by the public. And you will, of course, then rely on their feedback to feel any kind of validation. Well, yeah, it'll be really fun.

Grace Jarvis
good for you. Did you see that video of that tube? The fish tube? Fish tube? You didn't see this? There's like um this like thing but where they're trying to get a one species of fish into a different part of the dam so they have this tube that's like running with water.

Grace Jarvis
It's like the wet and wild um ride where you get in the tube and it sucks you down. Oh god!

Ashely Apap
Oh sorry, sorry, sorry guys. Might be Paul G. Marty. Hello Ashley speaking.

Speaker 3
Well, well, well, Luku's finally answering my calls.

Ashely Apap
Oh no, it's Oliver Coleman. Hey, hey, sorry, I can't really talk right now.

Speaker 3
You don't stop talking shit. I'm gonna blow my leg.

Ashely Apap
Mate, that's very close to saying, blow your load. You know, I'm recording, you probably wanna watch what he's saying.

Speaker 3
Watch what I say, every time we do a deed together, you destroy the venue's toilets with your horrendous bow movements and tell everyone that it was me.

Ashely Apap
Man, you know, it's all good. We all squirt poo sometimes, nothing to be ashamed of.

Speaker 3
my career. People won't book me for gigs anymore. Everyone's calling me all over whole man because you're spreading this shit.

Ashely Apap
So it's more like less spreading and more squirting.

Speaker 3
a grip

Ashely Apap
Bit rude. You know, everyone's going through something in this town.

Grace Jarvis
That's what it is. I have seen Oliver Coleman outside of his giant prawn costume. However, every time I think of him, he is wearing it. I assume he was wearing it on that phone call.

Ashely Apap
Yeah, and I'm assuming the poo he was talking about was his own scooped out of the prawn costume. Because I've, it's canon that I actually don't have an asshole, so. Congrats. Yeah, it's, I got a really good surgeon.

Ashely Apap
Now, Grace, I, of course, I'm a little scamp, I'm a little prankster, and I've pranked everyone watching this or listening to this, because they didn't know that this is a podcast made for and with and by disabled artists.

Ashely Apap
So all my guests are disabled artists, I'm a little disabled artist, and I'm gonna give us now a little space to talk about that, because we need to get some things off our chest. So I'm gonna give you a minute, I'm gonna get my phone out and do a timer, and you have a minute to go off and rant about anything you want specifically related to able -bodied people recommending specific things to fix your disability, okay?

Ashely Apap
So just get yourself prepared. I'd love to do that. And this is going to be. All they do.

Grace Jarvis
they do okay your ways I'm like how do you have the energy I mean because you're not to say

Ashely Apap
All right, are you ready? Your time starts now.

Grace Jarvis
Okay, I dislike almost any advice from able -bodied people because we're just like playing two different games and they're like, what about this? And it's like, sure, man, in an ideal world, I was once in the hospital getting a week -long ketamine infusion where I had fucking needles in my stomach infusing me with ketamine and the nurse at the hospital was like, I think you should try calcium supplements and also vitamin D.

Grace Jarvis
And I was like, do you think if I could have fixed this with calcium, we would not have tried that first before putting ketamine into my belly. That seems like a crazy, like, did you think that was the first port of call?

Grace Jarvis
Like I churned up and went, oh, my knee hurts a little. And they were like ketamine in the stomach immediately. I've had 10 years of chronic pain. If calcium could fix it,

Ashely Apap
It would be fixed! And your time is up. Wow, calcium, that's amazing. If you just chug in a bunch of milk, just milk. Everywhere you go, you're just carrying gallons of milk. Oh, sure.

Grace Jarvis
I eat mostly Parmesan cheese. I'm full of calcium. It's like I'm more full of calcium than most people I would say I've heard that you're all calcium calcium. I'm calcified. That's why my bones It's actually accidentally gone all the way in there.

Grace Jarvis
That's not my day

Ashely Apap
diagnosis. Now we're going to play

Grace Jarvis
I'm just picturing myself calcified like to a rock formation just like stuck like a barnacle My joints hurt everyone's like yeah well I could see why

Ashely Apap
I don't want to be buried, I don't want to be cremated, I want to be calcified to a rock. Calcified to a rock formation.

Grace Jarvis
I think you'd make a great rock. Thanks. Yeah, you're very sturdy. I think you should put my body into one of those old naval ships that they're sinking to make a fake coral reef. Just let me hang out down there.

Ashely Apap
Yeah, I think that's a good idea. Now we're going to play a little game before we wrap everything up just to clear out our brains. We're just going to do one word at a time story. OK. OK. I'm going to start.

Ashely Apap
Everyone is going crazy.

Grace Jarvis
Thank you.

Ashely Apap
It's the end of our world. Man. It won't stop sucking. Have a wonderful day. Bitch. That was great. Have a kick at it, bitch. I think that's a great message.

Grace Jarvis
Because the world does say. I don't want to give them promotion when they're not paying you. Sorry.

Ashely Apap
I mean, this slogan is take a breath.

Grace Jarvis
I was trying to drive it in the direction of the tourney frog mouth, but I couldn't get it there. I think we did a good job. Too many birds, if anything, in one episode. Too many birds, not enough stones.

Grace Jarvis
Ashley emailed me and was like, will you come on my show and I heard bring bird, tail.

Ashely Apap
Now we need to wrap up, but we do have one more sponsor. Grace, would you read today's sponsor for me?

Grace Jarvis
Yeah, here we go. Here we go. All right. This episode has been proudly sponsored by stealing. I do it constantly. This is me officially admitting to stealing and not just from the supermarket at the self -serve checkout, but from old people.

Grace Jarvis
I steal from old people. God, it feels great to get that off my chest. I go into retirement villages and I steal from old people. I have, thank you, stealing, forgiving me purpose outside of my miserable, empty existence.

Grace Jarvis
Stealing, bringing joy across the globe. Wow. How do I get into the retirement villages? Do I have a fob? It's your story. Okay.

Ashely Apap
Thank you so much Grace, I'll give that back to uh... I feel good about taking this home. Whoever made that wasn't me, I know. I know he does like Chris. Now this is mine. That is yours. Now that is the end of this episode.

Ashely Apap
I'm so grateful for you being here. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. Um, is there anything that you would like to plug on where can people find stuff that you're working on?

Grace Jarvis
You can find me on the internet at Grace Jarvis, oh no, on Instagram and Twitter and threads and TikTok, I guess. Apps are overwhelming me. People keep telling me I need to post clips of my standup but unfortunately I don't like to look at myself which is why I got into an industry where I just stand there and talk and my looks are not involved.

Grace Jarvis
Apparently they are now, I've got to film it. Anyway, I'm on the internet so you can follow me there at Grace Jarvis, oh no, I'm doing all the festivals next year, my show, the working title is Oh the Horrors.

Grace Jarvis
That's so good. But I think it's just now the title. So I think a couple of applications have gone in. It's called Oh the Horrors. Wonderful. And I'm a standup comedian.

Ashely Apap
So am I. And also thank you to my friend, Oliver Coleman for calling, I guess he interrupts when I'm working. Wearing his prawn costume. Hope his assholes okay with all that shit that he's doing. One more thing before we go, Grace.

Ashely Apap
I would just like to award you with this PhD in tomfoolery. I really appreciate you being here and being a scamp. I think I would treasure this. Thank you everyone. We'll see you next time. Goodbye.

Thanks for watching!