Scamp - Episode 4 - William Rees

Ashley Apap
This show was recorded on land that was stolen from the Wurundjeri people of the Kulin Nation. We acknowledge and celebrate the traditional owners of this land and their deep history of storytelling. We extend our acknowledgement to any Indigenous peoples who may be watching or listening and particularly invite viewers to reflect on the plight of Indigenous people living with disability under colonialism.

Ashley Apap
Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. And then, I'm sorry, I'm out of here. Oh, stop! Sorry! Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, welcome to Scam! Welcome to Scam! Sicilius Place, this out of hell. Yeah! I was just having the craziest dream.

Ashley Apap
I was having the craziest dream. Everything was good. Like everything, everyone was so good. No problems. No problems in Scam!

Ashley Apap
this version of reality. And I had so much money in power.

Ashley Apap
Everyone loved me. It's really different to all this. Welcome, I'm Ashley, I'm Ashley Appap. You might remember me from the last episode if you listened to that or that wanted poster that was going around a few years back.

Ashley Apap
They never caught me and they never will. Scamp is proudly sponsored by my mum from pushing me out of her puss to pushing me to wear deodorant. Wouldn't be here without her. Well, I would, but none of the crew producing this podcast would, because of my BO.

Ashley Apap
I actually, before I get going, I would like to introduce the guest, but first I have to make a phone call, because I've really been trying to get a hold of my good friend, Paul Giamatti, but he's just being busy, so just give me one sec.

Ashley Apap
Alrighty. Paulie, Paulie, Paulie. Paul. That's a phone, King. He's probably bouldering or something. He's a real, he's a real active guy, you know. OK, it's still... It's just ringing out. We'll worry about that.

Ashley Apap
We'll worry about that later. For now, I'm very excited, everyone, because I have a special guest here today, and you may notice that it's just me here in my little house. That's because my wonderful guest, writer, actor, dare I say, superstar of our generation, William Reeves is here, but all the way from Sydney, Australia, which is not where we are.

Ashley Apap
Wow. I will.

William Rees
Hi, how you going? Ugh.

Ashley Apap
You know, I was gonna say I couldn't be better, but I absolutely could because you could be here with me. How are you?

William Rees
I'm very good. Just finished a shift at the day job, the artists day job, um, had a power nap.

Ashley Apap
Ooh, I just work up from it myself.

William Rees
Re -enacted. Ah, you did too! That's crazy! Unbelievable.

Ashley Apap
Wow, we're so insane.

William Rees
Good luck penboarding.

Ashley Apap
Now we met doing, dare I say, the devil's work, which is of course theater. Now, can I ask you, what's your favorite play of all time?

William Rees
Oh Lord, I would probably have to say, honestly, a show that I've done not to brag.

Ashley Apap
Brag away.

William Rees
but the cripple finished Martin by Martin McDonough.

Ashley Apap
amazing. Do you want to know what my favorite play is?

William Rees
I don't, but you're actually gonna tell me.

Ashley Apap
I just play school. You know, I like the diamond window, I like the circle window. I hate the square window. Cause that's, cause square's, cause I'm not, cause I'm no square. I'm no square. I'm hip and I'm cool. And I don't care about school. So don't even worry about that. Now, Will, you are a connoisseur of scent. Is this correct?

William Rees
Yes, it is.

Ashley Apap
What are some tips on how to find your scent? Because I have been wearing the same like $10 spray most of my adult life. And I think it's time to level up. And I would like a tip from the expert.

William Rees
go to Mecca, make friends with everybody that works there. And go around sniff all of the perfumes that are far too expensive for you. Remember to sniff the little coffee beans that are in the little trays to reset your palette or whatever the fuck that does. I actually don't know what it does. I just have to do it because it's there. And then you find something that's far too expensive and then you commit to it and you spend all your money on it and then you get to about a quarter of the way through the bottle and then you're like, I actually think I could do with another one. And then you just keep going and you're gonna have no money, but that's fine because that's the craft, that's the art. You have to, you have to indulge, you know what I mean? And then sooner rather than later, you have a crippling perfume addiction and no one's, mummy isn't there to be like, stop spending your money so you just keep spending your money. Anyway, I'm in debt.

Ashley Apap
Do you need someone's mummy to come and stop you from the spending for perfumes?

William Rees
I think I just need a mummy full stop.

Ashley Apap
If there's a mummy out there that would like to sponsor William Rees, they are willing and open to accept your funds, your help. And dare I say, your milk? They're words, not mine. I'm just spreading the good word, okay? I'm just helping a friend. Now, Will, I would love for you to tell me a mischievous story from your life. It can be anything at all, whatever you consider to be cheeky and mischievous. I am very excited to hear what you have lived through.

William Rees
is a somewhat self -inflicted medical emergency count. That's pretty mischievous.

Ashley Apap
Absolutely, let's go.

William Rees
When I was 15, I had my first girlfriend. It was wild, great time. And we were at her house and we were making out and she was sitting on top of me. And I, yeah, I know it's scandalous, I'm sorry. It's only going to get worse. I was wearing skinny jeans, pause for revulsion.

Ashley Apap
What year was it?

William Rees
Um, this was, oh, this was 2017.

Ashley Apap
Wow, yeah, yeah, okay. That was skinny jeans season. Keep going.

William Rees
Yeah. Um, and I. So as she was, as, cause she was sitting on me, we were making out now. She was scooted towards me. Scoot scoot. She managed to get. A completely of no fault of her own. One of my testicles and she shifted it up further my thigh and she sat on it. And I thought, no, this is, this is fine. The pain, it fucking hurts, but it's fine enough. It's going like it's, it's, it's just going to go away. She sat on my ball like it happens, but then the pain just doesn't go away. And I'm now a little bit concerned because I'm feeling, I'm feeling this like fearing pain. Like it's like hot. And I'm really, really confused. I don't know what's going on and I excuse myself to go to the bathroom and I dropped my pants and my right testicle is swelling to the size of a tennis ball in front of my eyes.

Ashley Apap
Okay, so I thought for a second that you were saying that she somehow shoved your ball inside you.

William Rees
No, no, it was like on my thigh and then as she scooted forward it like moved up up my thigh. So she like and and did something which I will I will say what she exactly what exactly happened But this happened and I was like, oh, oh no, I immediately called one of my friends

Ashley Apap
Rather than a medical professional. Another teenager is the first person.

William Rees
No, no. Yeah. Me being a teenager, I was the last thing I was going to do was seek actual help. I was going to call my friend being like, what do I do? And then I, I, so I call my friend and she's like, explain what I explained what happened. And then she was like, do you know what a testicular torsion is? And I was like, no. And then she was like, is like, like, explain to you. And I explained to her what it was feeling like. And she was like, you need to go to a hospital right now. And I was like, no, it's fine. Like, it's fine. I was meant to go to like the cricket with my then girlfriend's like parents and family. And then my friend on the phone is like, no, like that thing's going to explode.

Ashley Apap
I would purposely, I mean, if I had testicles and I knew I had to go to the cricket, I might ask someone to give me testicular torsion so I wouldn't have to go to the cricket. So I get that.

William Rees
And see you to this day, I've never been to the cricket yet.

Ashley Apap
And now every time you hear the word cricket, you're right, testicle swells, just a little bit.

William Rees
It's just bringing right back, right back. It's, it smells a little bit and it goes, don't you dare? Don't you dare?

Ashley Apap
Dare I say as well to the size of a cricket ball. Sorry, someone had to. That's what I was going to do. So then what did you do?

William Rees
Well, I then went, had to call my, I called my dad and then I was like, listen, I think I'm going to testicular torsion and I need you to come and pick me up. And he was like, I'm not free. Your mom is. I was like, I was like, get fucked. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. My mom, my mom is not about to pick me up with a.

Ashley Apap
sexually -injured testicular injury.

William Rees
I was like, no, I can't do this. And then my dad was like, no, your mom is the is the closest one. She'll be able to do it. And I was like, oh, God's sake. Okay, here we go. And but then but then I then so she came and picked me up and we're driving to the to emergency and she's just laughing. OK, good. That's like this. There's there's not there's not a shred of like, are you OK? My mom is looking at me and she's saying, this is the funniest thing that's ever happened. I think that's a pretty good response.

William Rees
That's a pretty good response. But when I was like when I was a teenager, I was like, mom, you don't get it. I'm going to die. My balls going to explode. I'll never have sex. I will have died a virgin.

Ashley Apap
There are people with one goal, and they're fine.

William Rees
True. Didn't hit like a wobble.

Ashley Apap
And I just stopped there and was like, I don't care about the rest of the story. Think about the people with one ball. And I am thinking about them because they're too old. So when you got there, how did they fix that?

Ashley Apap
Or like, how did they make it better?

William Rees
So it was a surgery. So I had to go in, because I did an ultrasound by some middle -aged woman who when I was 15 was doing an ultrasound on my balls. And she was just talking to me, asking me how my day was going.

William Rees
And I was like, listen, I'll be real, not great. It could be better. And essentially on the ultrasound, they couldn't figure out whether or not it was still twisted. So they had to have a surgery to go in.

William Rees
And if it was not twisted, then fine, leave it, but go into the left ball and make it so it couldn't twist. So this could never happen again. Or if it was twisted, untwisted. And then so eventually I kind of went into surgery, but then I, the only person who knew anything about what was going on was my friend who I called.

William Rees
And my girlfriend at the time was like, was blowing up my phone because I just, just vanished from her house, rushed to the emergency room. And she has no idea what's going on. Like obviously something's happened.

William Rees
And I looked at my mom and I'm like, what do I say? What do I do? And my mom goes, hernia. And I went, what? I actually, I'll be to that point, didn't know actually really know what a hernia was. And then my mom just goes, listen, it's just do it.

William Rees
Just say it like you don't have to explain it. Just be like, I'm going through some stuff, it's hernia. And then told her that and then had the surgery and then couldn't walk for a week. Had to emcee my year 10 assembly in a chair, like on the stage in a, there was a dance number done by multiple other people who were also helping to emcee.

William Rees
And I did the whole thing sitting in the middle of the dance troupe, just looking like an idiot.

Ashley Apap
secret with this secret because no one knew this

William Rees
secret. And then like months and months later I then told when we were still dating I told her and like my then girlfriend told me what happened and she cried because she felt so bad but to me it was just a very very funny thing and I think that she felt very bad but I still think it's possibly one of the funniest things that's ever happened to me.

Ashley Apap
I think it's very funny too. And the fact that your mum so quickly was like, hernia, it's just a hernia. She had that on lock. Also, you quite literally had your knickers in a knot.

William Rees
Yep, she busted my balls, but in the wrong way.

Ashley Apap
That is incredible. I'm trying to think of something in my life that's similar to relate to that, but I can't say I've had a hernia or testicular torsion or cause of someone else. That's amazing, well, okay.

Ashley Apap
That gave me some genuine giggles and I'm very grateful for that because it's a dark, dark world that we live in. But now I would just like to ask you a couple of just like, just a quick rapid fire question round, okay?

Ashley Apap
Yeah. All right, my first question is, what is your favorite scent of all being a scent connoisseur?

William Rees
It feels like the obvious and the very uninspired answer is rose, but I really do like the smell of rose, but also orange blossom.

Ashley Apap
Okay, my next question is where were you on September 11th, 2001?

William Rees
in hospital probably having a surgery.

Ashley Apap
And finally, can jet fuel melt steel beams?

William Rees
I think it's open to debate and I think that we should test it. I think we should end this right now and we should test it.

Ashley Apap
I agree. Oh, oh, sorry, well I gotta answer this. Might be, might be Paul Giamatti calling me back.

Millie
Paul? It's not Paul, it's Millie.

Ashley Apap
Oh, oh, sorry, it's Millie Hilton calling me up. Sorry, Millie, I'm waiting for a very important call.

Millie
Alright, this is important to me. This is important to me, okay? I need you to respect my fucking boundaries and stop sending me those DMs.

Ashley Apap
I've just been sending you commission requests to draw a self portrait of me in comic form, okay? Sorry that I support the arts.

Millie
Okay, yeah, but the self that you've been sending me is like a reference. It's just clearly a detail and I'll say very well lit picture of your entire anus.

Ashley Apap
Thank you, I did consider the lighting.

Millie
It's not even the cheeks, Ash. You've just done the hole. Yeah, but it's a beautiful hole. Ash, you are very sick. It is leaking something. I don't know exactly what it is, but it's leaking.

Ashley Apap
But that's what makes it beautiful.

Millie
No more whole pics.

Ashley Apap
Okay, I gotta go, Millie. I've got other things to do. Just draw my asshole for me, will you? Jeez. Sorry about that, Will. Talk, talk, talk. No one respects my time, do they? Now, Will, I would love to give you a minute to talk about something very important because I have pranked everyone watching and listening to this.

Ashley Apap
They didn't know that this is a podcast made for and with disabled artists. That's right, gotcha. To all the able cucks out there, you got, got. Sorry. Not sorry, in the words of Demetriia Lovato. Yeah, I know her full name.

Ashley Apap
So now, Will, I'm going to ask you, I'm gonna get a timer out of my phone and I'm gonna ask you to absolutely go off for a minute about the ridiculous things that people have suggested that might cure your disability.

Ashley Apap
Are you ready?

William Rees
Going for it.

Ashley Apap
Okay, your time starts now.

William Rees
praying. I've been told to pray it away for like my whole life, not even from just like random people, but like grandparents or like any kind of like just like just people that think that they know me or had any sort of say and that just kind of like maybe or like maybe like the nerve pain is all in your head or maybe that this is something that God did to you.

William Rees
What did I do to punish God in my past life that I'm disabled? It's sickening. It's unbelievable. And then if I just pray away, if I get on my knees, if I tickle God's little balls, I will not disable anymore.

William Rees
I will be able -bodied. I will be, I'll actually get cast in things. You know what I'm saying? It would be incredible. But hey, that's not how it is. And also, I'm not religious, so it's not going to happen.

William Rees
Five seconds. And also just being told to get things amputated. Boom, that's it.

Ashley Apap
Wow, you just roasted everyone on Earth. That was amazing. The fact that you just started by saying, praying. Excellent. That was no offense to the other guests. I don't know how they're gonna be that.

Ashley Apap
No one's mentioned praying, not once. No, everyone's answers valid. Thank you for that, that was wonderful. Now, we're almost the end, so I think just to cleanse us, let's play a little silly game. Now, this is actually a warmup that we would do together before we would go on stage with our fellow castmates in a little play that we were in.

Ashley Apap
And I think it's almost impossible to do virtually, which is why I think it's funny. So we're gonna try to play 21, so we're gonna both close our eyes and try to take turns counting to 21. Although, because there's only two of us, it could be very easy to just go one, two, three, four each.

Ashley Apap
So let's try not to do that, okay, you ready? Okay. This could be disastrous, all right? Eyes closed and one.

William Rees
2 3 Bye.

Ashley Apap
Six. Seven.

Millie
No! No! No!

William Rees
10 12 BAH! I'm dizzy!

Ashley Apap
14 -15.

William Rees
16 something 18.

Ashley Apap
I did 20. Two, one! Yay! We did it! I don't know if that can count as actually playing the game because there's two of us, but it felt interesting to know that I'm being filmed while making really strange faces with my friends.

William Rees
Oh yeah, I was the whole time just being like...

Ashley Apap
Expression is what we're here for, everyone. Is it not? Now, my friend, I am going to ask you to read our final sponsor of the episode.

William Rees
This episode has been proudly sponsored by Jealousy. Oh. Something I am struggling with right now. As I sit before Ashley, I can't help but think no one does it like her. God, I envy her talent, her charisma, her big juicy behind.

Ashley Apap
I mean, you gotta even see it right now.

William Rees
It's with me in spirit. It's like just just on the head

Ashley Apap
It's always just out of reach for you, isn't it? And for us all.

William Rees
It is.

Ashley Apap
Thank you so much for being here, my friend. I'm so glad I got to catch up with you and be with you in this virtual space. And to have you in my little weird home that I have, it's, I wish you were physically here so that I could give you a hug.

Ashley Apap
And also burp in your face and blow it onto you. But unfortunately, that's not the reality in which we live. So it is what it is, my friend. But I would like to say to you that you have done such a good job of being a little scamp that I have a special award to give you.

Ashley Apap
Now, I'm gonna have to send this to you in the mail. But this is your PhD in tomfoolery. And... Oh my God.

William Rees
God.

Ashley Apap
is a very rare honour. So I expect this to be framed.

William Rees
Yep.

Ashley Apap
and cherished for life.

William Rees
I'm gonna call my mom and tell her I finally got a degree.

Ashley Apap
Thank you, and I'll say thank you to her for making you. So there we go. Thank you for being here, my friend. I love and miss you, and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day. And also, where can the good people watching and listening to this find you?

Ashley Apap
And is there anything you'd like to plug?

William Rees
Oh, you can find me at William Godfury's on Instagram. There's nothing particularly exciting on it, it's just an Instagram. And I don't really have anything to plug at the moment. Are the,

Ashley Apap
Thank you. Thank you.

William Rees
Yeah, I mean, I will be out and about doing something at some point, I'm sure. And I'm very excited for everyone to experience it.

Ashley Apap
How's am I? I'm excited for everyone to experience you in general. I love you, my friend. And I love all of you out there watching, listening, being here with us. And I also would like to say a big thank you for interrupting the show, I guess, to Millie Holton.

Ashley Apap
I would suggest that you get her to commission a comic for you, but she might just tell you, no, sorry, I don't wanna draw your asshole. You could also buy her long head book, which I am very lucky to have behind me on my shelf.

Ashley Apap
And everyone, stay safe out there in this crazy world, because you never know when your balls might get twisted up in a knot. Am I right, Will?

William Rees
So true.

Ashley Apap
No one said it better than me. Good night everyone. I'm gonna go back to sleep now. Oh. Man 11 was an inside job.