Antek Benedyka - coming full circle (part 1)

Speaker 1 00:00

After downloading a 3CR podcast... 3CR is an independent community radio station based in Melbourne, Australia. We need your financial support to keep going. Go to www.3cr.org.au for more information and to donate online. Now stay tuned for your 3CR podcast.

Speaker 2 00:20

Brainwaves. Hear the world differently. Bringing community mental health to you, raising awareness and challenging stigma. Tune in to 3CR Community Radio, Wednesdays at 5pm.

Speaker 3 00:32

A radio program featuring community organisations, powerful stories and information. Find us at brainwaves.org.au - proudly sponsored by Wellways Australia.

Speaker 4 00:46

I would like to begin by acknowledging and paying my respects to the Wurundjeri people of the Kulin Nation. They are the traditional custodians of land, which I'm coming to you from today. Land where at Brainwaves we tell our stories. And land where stories have been told by the traditional owners for many, many years before us. I'd also like to pay my respects to their elders past, present... and acknowledge all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander listeners that may be listening in today. So thank you everyone. Now here's today's episode of Brainwaves.

Speaker 5 01:16

Hi everyone, welcome to Brainwaves. Today we're going to hear the first instalment of a two-part interview I did with Antek Benedyka called Coming Full Circle. Be sure to tune in next week for the second and final instalment. Hello and welcome to Brainwaves on 3CR, 855am on your dial via the app and the online stream. I'm Jasmine McLennan, your host, and today I'm joined by Antek Benedyka. Antek was born in Wagga Wagga Country, New South Wales, and his grandparents settled there as refugees from Poland during the 1940s.
When the German dictatorship swept over Poland, a lot of young women were put into servitude, including Antek's butcher, his grandmother. 

Antek also has a strong Australian family history going back to his maternal side from Broken Hill with Cornish and Scottish origins. Antek's parents got divorced when he was 14, and he moved with his mother and a couple of his sisters up to Dubbo before moving to the Big Smoke in Sydney first in the year 2000 before making Naarm, Melbourne, home in 2002. Antek is a proud gender queer person from the LGBTQI community, a social and political activist, and has worked with refugee settlements as a social worker for the past decade. Antek has a lot of hobbies in the creative field and is a drag performer by the name of Pretty Fancy, and has also recently started a fashion degree to pursue his love of all things fancy.

Antek is also passionate about music and enjoys singing, going to gigs, and is being taught acoustic guitar by his lovely niece Bella. Antek's mental health is also a little bit spicy, and he is enthusiastic to share his story to help other people who may have experienced the same challenges. Welcome, Antek, so lovely to have you on the show. 

Speaker 6 03:00

G'day, g'day. Thanks for having me, Jazz. That's gonna be a good one.Yeah, I hope so. Here we go, hey.

Speaker 5 03:06

Here we go, here we go. So I thought we would just start, but maybe if you could just tell me a little bit about the work you do with refugees at the moment.

Speaker 6 03:14

Yeah, okay. I started after uni working first with people seeking asylum, supporting their needs while they lived in the community, waiting for their visa outcomes. And then I was fortunate enough to have a role where I did some community advocacy, so going to schools and community groups talking about the right to seek asylum. I kind of did a sideways shift shuffle over Covid era, as many things happen, but eventually I got back into settlement and yeah, that's where I am today.

Speaker 5 03:48

What's it like working with young people who have been through so much?

Speaker 6 03:52

Oh look, I think it's about humanising the experience rather than seeing them as poor things or looking like you're a benevolent kind of white knight kind of person. I think that's the main thing, and just remembering young people are universally lots of fun to be around, so no matter what they've been through that resilience kind of comes through and amongst all of the heavy you just got to start where they are, support them how they want to be supported and let them make their own decisions about their own lives.

Speaker 5 04:24

And do you find that their mental health has been really affected by what they've gone through a lot of the times?

Speaker 6 04:29

Absolutely, and you know, I can't speak specifically about people obviously for their own privacy but there is something really amazing about the brain's ability to heal after lots of trauma and with young people, I often times think of my babshah, my grandmother, and I might say to them occasionally, you know, I could be your grandchild and to give them a bit of hope about what it might look like if they're being settled in Australia for some time. Yeah, it's quite rewarding.

Speaker 5 05:02

So what are some of the things that you do to support them through these challenges? I guess you're working with them, as you said, as sort of a friend and someone to stand beside them. But is there anything that you do particularly?

Speaker 6 05:16

It's a form of coaching, so it's kind of life coaching if that makes sense - mentoring obviously, there's some more technical theory behind it, with social work we aren't just magicians we have a bit of a structure, but there is yeah it's it's about that idea of self-determination and keeping the person at the centre of everything that you do... so you could have a bad day your organisation could be a little bit kooky on the outside or inside, or maybe it's great - in the meantime the protective element is really making sure that young person knows where to go if they need something, you might not be their number one - you shouldn't really be their number one if you're supporting them - but it's also about having those supports in the community, so linking them in where they need to.

And also looking at what success means to them - and a young person, as my sister-in-law always says, you got to set your own KPIs - so comparing yourself, comparison again, comparison is a thief of joy for a lot of people and a lot of young people when they are trying to figure out what they want to do with their life, it's about the ability to fail as well and learn from it - so giving that space knowing that moving forward, it's a fail safe kind of situation. A lot of the young people that I work with don't have any family because of circumstances beyond their control, maybe from trauma, or war, or they might have people missing in their lives or longing to see them again and waiting... and a lot of that is about creating the possibility that they could actually plan their own lives and have the support of us as a community while other people in their family might not be around to do that.

Speaker 5 07:09

So giving them a sense of agency and safety and kind of really working on their recovery goals or their goals.

Speaker 6 07:16

Absolutely. And oftentimes with any complex trauma, it's not something that's powerful for everybody. It's not something that you see is somebody walking around and that everything they do or see or say is affected by their trauma. Although it's about recognising that post-traumatic growth can come in forms and it doesn't mean that the journey that someone's on is going to be linear either. You can dip in and out of post-traumatic growth... and also my responsibility is to support them, refer out. I'm not their psychiatrist. I'm not their psychologist. I work in a trauma-informed way, although that does not mean that I am their primary mental health support. I could be their emotional support if they open up that much, but oftentimes it's based around what they want to do and as it should be, it could be more practical things growing towards independence.

Speaker 5 08:19

Yeah, it's amazing work you do. I wanted to ask you a little bit about your mental health journey now and I guess when you first sort of started having any kind of spiciness happening in your life and sort of how you manage today and what you do to sort of support your own mental health.

Speaker 6 08:40

Yeah, sure. More than happy to share it. I really think it's important when you feel strong enough to be able to let other people know what you're going through and not have any shame around it, because the more we destigmatise these things, the easier it will get for people to be quite honest about it. And I really feel strongly about that. You know, we aren't all damaged goods or that kind of thing. Although in my journey, I would say, starting from a very young age, there was a lot of trauma. So things beyond my control, the circumstances under which I was born. I had two parents, fortunately. And my mother was quite unwell when I was first born, beyond her control as well with postpartum. But that meant that that initial kind of bonding really never solidified. 

And over time, for various reasons, the dynamic became quite toxic, unfortunately. And I bore the brunt of a lot of that kind of disconnection, including not feeling wanted and being put in a place of really begging for love, even though it may have been around me, I really didn't feel loved. And as things progressed, when I was younger, I spent a lot of time with my babshah, with my grandmother, and learnt the cooking and really born on an auspicious day within that culture, which is Children's Day, Micawe, St. Nicholas. So I was always told by my babshah, Oh, you're so lucky, you'll have good. And at the stage where she passed away, when I was five, six, I just felt the loss so heavily. It was as if I had some kind of protective barrier, kind of taken away and felt a little bit more exposed to things as quite sensitive. 

I oftentimes would express myself through really big tantrums. And I wasn't coping, although I internalised every bad message that was ever said to me, whether it was said in frustration or just or who knows, I just started having a narrative emerge that I was like the bad seed, you know, like, nothing I could do would ever be good. And I learnt that by achieving things, I could get that love and attention that I needed. So I threw myself into everything that I could. I didn't have many friends for some time, because I wasn't really socially adept at that stage. The friends that I did have were girls, yay fems! And over time, my parents could see that I was a little bit fancy, if you know what I mean. So they basically, amongst all the other rough and tumble of it all, they were very supportive of me expressing myself however I wanted to. 

I didn't have any concept of queerness until much later. But along the way, I had mostly female friends, I've always felt more comfortable around femme people. Because why not? Hashtag Less Violence for a start. And yeah, I guess over time, when I got to high school, the kids started to notice that I was a little bit fancy. And I started getting horrifically bullied, physically, emotionally, everything. And it was relentless, because my bullies lived on the same street as well. So they knew where I lived, they knew when I was home, they did stuff like put feces and urine in bags underneath our front gate, so you'd open the gate and it'd spray all over you. One time they were throwing unripe lemons through our new stained glass window that was at the top of these stairs that we had built. And all the glass just rained down, my grandparents were visiting at the time. We had to get the police involved, which was really upsetting. 

And I guess, you know, what are you going to do with that? That's going to add another layer, as those of you with any understanding of complex post traumatic stress disorder, which is a broad umbrella, and it can be viewed in heaps of different ways. So oftentimes, from what I understand, a lot of people with more cycling depression, you know, not like sporty depression, it's actually a cycle of mania and depression and things like that. Trauma in all of its forms can often replicate a lot of really similar symptoms to more cycling depression. So it can take some time to figure out what's actually going on. It's a really important thing to remember that the way that somebody presents with symptoms that they have, it might not always be what it is on the surface. And that's where a lot of the stigma comes in. 

From my experience, it's been a long ride, because I didn't necessarily have the capacity to see myself from the outside. And also along the way, I have been fiercely independent. So a lot of the time I might have disengaged from family or friends for periods of time. And then they just haven't seen you in a while. And then I'll be back. Hi, how's it going? I'm back on. I switched it off and I switched it back on again. Although what happened to me next in high school after my parents got divorced was another unfortunately another layer of terrible trauma with family and domestic violence. 

My mother met a very violent person. We don't know totally what was happening behind closed doors, but there was a very sinister air over our household. And he also physically abused me and emotionally especially calling me faggot and terrible things like that that really weren't part of the language of my family at all into that stage. Although with coercive control, which means when somebody is totally controlling everything with someone which was happening to my mother, she also had that kind of attitude co-opted the bad seed narrative continued. So everything that happened to me was my fault and including when I was being attacked. So it was really distressing for me. And over time, what has added to that distress is that it's been quite a different journey for each of my siblings.

And the story and the narrative for me is my story. And when I don't feel believed or I feel gaslit, that can add to everything. So having said that, a lot of the time I just didn't feel like I had an ally in my family. I might have. I might have had them. I couldn't see them. I couldn't hear it. And it was a really tough time. I put my head down there and I studied really, really, really hard to get the F out of Dubbo as you would do. And I was lucky enough to get a scholarship to go on student exchange to France. Now that was one of the and still remains one of the most transformational things that ever happened. For a start, I was removed from those toxic dynamics. It was back in 1999. And after grade 12, I went to a small country town in France and I stayed first off the rack was a lovely family that had really beautiful dynamics and treated me like their child. 

For me, I had never experienced that sense of core stability. The idea that home could feel safe, the idea that you don't constantly have to be defending who you are, what you do, how you do things. And it was really great for me. I learned a lot. I got to learn French as well, which I really like to brag about all the time humbly, of course. But in the meantime, it was a really good eye opener for me that some family dynamics are quite different to those of a really disruptive kind of background. And it definitely made me realise that I'm worthy of love, which sounds quite odd. But yeah, it was that unconditional love. And it also started my journey of understanding that things that had happened to me were not my fault.

18:07

I was just a child. All of the parental figures in my life, aside from the terrible, violent partner of my mother, they were doing the best they could as well. I don't necessarily think that that was good enough. I've not been a parent myself, although to have a protected childhood is one of the most important things. And it goes back to what I really strongly believe in with the work that I do, no matter what's happened to a young person, to have a sense of safety and protection, and knowing that when things go wrong, that you will be forgiven, that when somebody loves you, you don't have to vie for their love. You don't have to achieve to prove that you're okay. You don't have to over exaggerate your skills, talents, abilities. I mean, I do now I love it. I humble brag all the time. If I'm not my own cheerleader, who else is going to be?

You have to turn it down occasionally, because sometimes you can shine too brightly. But in the meantime, yeah, I just think it's really important for self esteem to recognize for young people and all of that. I've done a lot of therapy where it's around systems, family systems therapy, which is the idea that within a system, you have a place, but also within you is a different part of yourself at each age and stage. And part of the trauma healing is recognising which parts are protecting you, which parts are I think the word triggers is often overused. But it's, I guess, a response to something that has been stored for you emotionally somewhere.

And over the past seven years with the wonderful help of Dr. Jonathan Tandos, who is a really amazing queer practitioner, if anybody out there listening needs to start thinking about potentially some of the different layers that queer people can have going on, as well as everything else that might have happened. It's a really good place to start unpacking that with Dr. Jonathan Tandos. He's just my angel. I call him Dr. J. I love him so much. It's been a big long journey with him. I really just strongly believe that part of healing part of taking responsibility is also about parenting yourself and backing yourself up and recognizing that nobody has to be perfect, but the journey has to start with self-reflection.

You can recognise how you respond to things, how you put yourself in different scenarios, how you come across, but also don't ever analyse it because you could end up beating yourself up and creating all of these other dynamics with anxiety. And it's not easy to step outside of yourself, but that's why I really love having Dr. J as an outside brain. I've also got really lovely supportive friends and I've had engagement with a lot of different health professionals along the way as well.

Speaker 5 21:24

Wow. So you've really started to kind of heal that inner child, I guess, by the work that you do. And it makes me really think about the work you do for your, your job, your vacation, and how maybe some of the events that have happened in your life has kind of led you to working with young people now. It's almost like a full circle kind of, it's actually really beautiful. And so I wonder whether, do you think that's kind of led you to wanting to work with young people and...

Speaker 6 21:49

Yeah, absolutely. And I think at the core of it, it's really about recognising you don't have to be perfect to be able to support somebody else. Also, again, going back to the concept, it's not about me when I'm doing that work, it's about that young person. But it is highly relatable in terms of that sense of developing independence. When I turned 18, and after I got back from France, I went to university in Sydney. And when I was there, I couldn't get independent youth allowance because at the time, I don't know what the rules are now, you had to get a parent to say that they were no longer supporting you. But because of pride and dignity, my mother wouldn't say that she wasn't supporting me. 

So I worked three jobs and I went to uni and I didn't have a computer at the time. Yes, we did not all have computers for a while. So I hand wrote my assignments, I was just a mess. I'd be like, highly caffeinated on NoDoze tablets and like getting off at four o 'clock to work at the news agent, I have like, the references for my essays on scraps of paper flying around. I was just a hot mess. And at the same time, I think I was starting to have a bit of an awakening sexually and not dealing with those feelings. I had a German friend who I shared student apartments with. And I realised why I was so upset that he left, because I really loved him. I thought he was amazing. And that's kind of, yeah, that journey was separate again. 

So I kind of crashed and burned out of living in Sydney. And it's a very fast paced... I also crashed a van living in Sydney so I understand. Well, if you, if I've talked to myself about this so many times, if I look at it like this, I was from Wagga Wagga Dubbo Shuttle wheel, country France and then to Sydney - that is a culture shock, it is not a walk in the park. So Sydney wasn't quite to me... oh, the Olympics were on, that was fun, but otherwise no I crashed and I've been, I was lucky enough to have the support of my oldest sister and her husband at the time and they took me under their wing and I went to Albury with Dong Ah, and I couldn't really focus on everything else.

This is the setting. It was September 11, all of that stuff. I was working nights, fill-in at a supermarket, and that was the only work that I could do because I didn't want to be around people. And slowly as I started getting better, I think I wasn't pulling my weight. I think it was a little bit of depression and stuff as well, but my sister and my brother-in-law had a few words with me and said Hey, pull yourself up, that kind of thing, and I took that as a major motivator to get myself moving again, and I was like You are not gonna kick me out, I'm gonna kick myself out. So I went and I applied for University to come to Melbourne and do a Bachelor of Development Studies at La Trobe.

Actually now that's all about foreign aid, community development, that kind of thing, and at the time that was the Australian Centre for African Studies and Australian Centre for Latin American Studies. I'm fairly sure I heard on the grapevine they've gutted it all now, so shame on them. But it was a wonderful course and that's the main reason why I moved to Melbourne.

Speaker 5 25:43

Amazing. And I wanted to just talk to you about this sort of awakening of your sexuality as well, that was happening in Sydney. Like, how has your queer identity played into your, you know, how has that been affected by your mental health or has affected your mental health? And I know now that you do these amazing shows. 

Speaker 6 26:06

It's pretty fancy, you know. I wouldn't say amazing. The amateur, amateur drag queen, by the way, just for those, I would say amazing. But anyway, it's all subjective, isn't it? Oh, look, I'll take the praise. Although I don't want to play it up too much. It's fun. It's a lot of fun. Look, my queer identity and my journey of my sexuality has been one of the things that I would never change in the world. I didn't have a sense of shame about who I was, growing up. I just shut a lot of those parts of myself off. I was lucky. It was the grunge era. You could just, you know, punch a few bongs and listen to novara and smashing pumpkins. And I did heaps of art and I did lots of theatre and I was, being weird was cool.

So kind of, I still think it is. But, you know, stay weird, everybody. But yeah, basically, I buried a lot of it. So I didn't really explore that kind of thing. I started to notice though, when I first had girlfriends, that they were, I thought they were really coming on to me. It wasn't the other way around. And obviously, I went with the flow. Nothing was forced. It just didn't feel natural. And I told myself, Oh, it's okay. You're just not in love. So I had about three relationships with women and beautiful, beautiful people. And I really cherish that journey as well. 

But I started to think, hmm, something's a little bit different here. I went back to Dubbo, of all places, for New Year's Eve 2003. And I caught up with some old mates and yeah, you know, all the kids from the time, still pretty grungy, getting really, you know, wasted and listening to music, just talking crap and carrying on underneath the clothesline, sitting around underneath the clothesline, as you do. Goonbags are fun. And yeah, it was Goon of Fortune, I think it was. Yeah. I remember that. Yep. So that kind of vibes. 

And I was on the bus on the way back down from Dubbo to Wagga Wagga, where I was going to jump on the Countrylink expo train. And I was talking away to someone who I'd grown up with. And he was talking about how he's got a kid now and how he's separated from his girlfriend. And I just started saying to myself, Wow, you're really nowhere near being similar to how he talks about women. And for me, it was just a realisation. And now the world is changing. And I just couldn't see myself living within those kinds of heteronormative confines. 

And so when I got home after the train trip home, I remember exactly where I was. I was sitting on my back step and I was looking down. It was a bit humid and I had some ants crawling across my toes. And there was, yeah, I called a sister of mine and I said, I think I'm bi. And that felt like a safe way to explore it. She said, actually, very supportively, how do you feel? I said, Oh, I don't know yet. But I guess one step is to let somebody know. I made a good friend at uni. And that was really fun. She introduced me to a friend of hers and then some things happened with them. And then I just went, I'm gay. Yeah, yeah, it came out. Yeah, totally. Yeah, I came out swinging.

Speaker 5 30:03

Thank you all for listening to this first instalment of Antek's story, Coming Full Circle. Be sure that you need next week for the last part. We will be talking about his journey coming out as gay and then genderqueer, what keeps him mentally well, radical self-actualisation, advice for young people with mental health challenges, how to have self-care when you're in the caring profession and breaking the cycle of trauma.

As always, be kind to yourself. Remember to treat yourself as you were treated, dear friend. Be safe and see you next week on Brainwaves, 3CR 855AM.

Speaker 7 30:40

You've been listening to a 3CR podcast produced in the studios of independent community radio station 3CR in Melbourne, Australia. For more information go to all-the-Ws dot 3CR dot org dot AU.