My journey with mental health: a spiritual crisis - Evan Douglas-Smith

Speaker 1 00:00

After downloading a 3CR podcast, 3CR is an independent community radio station based in Melbourne, Australia. We need your financial support to keep going. Go to www.3cr.org.au for more information and to donate online. Now stay tuned for your 3CR podcast.

Speaker 2 00:20

Brainwaves. Hear the world differently. Bringing community mental health to you, raising awareness and challenging stigma. Tune in to 3CR Community Radio, Wednesdays at 5pm.

Speaker 3 00:33

... time radio program featuring community organisations, powerful stories and information. Find us at brainwaves .org .au. Proudly sponsored by Wellways Australia.

Speaker 4 00:47

All right. Hello and welcome to Brainwaves, 8 .55 AM, 3CR Digital Radio, and streaming on 3cr.org.au. My name is Jasmine McLennan, and today on the show we have Evan Douglas-Smith. And he's here to talk a little bit about his own experience and his own mental health journey. He's another producer on Brainwaves and has done some wonderful work with us over the last couple of years. So really excited to have him here. Hi, Evan. 

Speaker 5 01:16

Hi, Jasmine. How are you doing? Great to be here.

Speaker 4 01:18

Well, how are you on this extremely hot, hot day?

Speaker 5 01:22

I'm in air-conditioned comfort at the moment, so I'm pretty good, yeah.

Speaker 4 01:26

It's good. You're lucky my air conditioner isn't working. It's just dripping water all down the wall. So we're having a hard time.

Speaker 5 01:34

I don't mind the heat anyway, I love the heat, love to soak it up.

Speaker 4 01:38

Just before I get started I wanted to do an acknowledgement of country. I just wanted to acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which I'm coming from, which is Coburg, near the Murray Creek, and that is the Wurundjeri people of the Kulin Nation, where I live. I live quite near to Coburg Lake, and it's a beautiful spot. I go there nearly every day for a bit of a walk or just to sit by the by the water, and that area was a really important place for gatherings for the traditional owners of this land, and Aboriginal people from different areas would come together there. There was lots of food to eat in the water and on the on the shores, and they would also use the bark from some of the trees along the Murray Creek to make canoes, and so there's still some scar trees there that you can see today that are really beautiful with the scars from that carving. So I just wanted to pay my respects to Elders past and present, and to any First Nations people that might be listening today. Welcome. 

All right, so Evan, lovely to have you on the show. Thank you. Let's just start from the beginning, and if you could just tell me a little bit about your mental health journey, you're someone with lived experience of mental health, you know, distress or challenges, you've been working on brainwaves and using that lived experience with your work with us, which has been really powerful. Maybe if you could tell us a little bit about maybe when some of the mental health challenges first arose, and how that was for you.

Speaker 5 03:13

Yeah, look, I've sort of thought about it a lot over the years, what it all is about. And I think it's just, I was terribly upset and I didn't have answers. And I came to the conclusion that what I went through was enlightenment. It wasn't so much mental health that was affected a bit, but it wasn't the actual, wasn't the actual problem. My mental health suffered from being so upset, you know, like, and also being treated on medications, which at the time didn't make me feel better, it made me feel a lot worse. So I didn't really know how to find answers. I couldn't get answers from psychiatrists or I'd sort of say what I believed was happening and I wouldn't sort of believe that it was a spiritual experience I was going through.

So I suffered so badly, I can't put into words. There was one point there when I was first in hospital, when I felt like it was so bad that it couldn't get worse. And if I did anything, it would get worse. If I spoke up, it would get worse. It was like being trapped under a rock or something in a void in a vacuum. The pain was immeasurable. Yeah, I went through an episode at a rave party. Friends took me to, I didn't really want to go. I had uni exams and essays I had to do that week and they sort of convinced me to go. So I'm like, alright, because I wanted me to drive them and yeah, I didn't take money. I didn't want any stimulants or whatever you want to call them.

But when they ended up sort of pulling their money and I sort of, once I was there, sort of like some kind of demonic sort of spirit in the air sort of took over and I just couldn't say no. So I sort of said, alright, yeah, alright, I'll go along with it and I took what was on the thing, a Superman trip. So in my mind, it's probably quite strong, I don't know, but yeah, and for the most part, it was quite strange. I could see the music. I could see all the, like the analog music looked like a soft waveform and the digital music like pins and needles shooting out at me and sort of affected my sense of reality for a while.

But then another guy that came with us really started flipping out at me and he started saying all this very scary stuff to me and I was just, because I was just sort of, wouldn't say enjoying myself, but I wasn't worried, I was just...

Speaker 1 05:36

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 5 05:37

So experiencing the effect of the drug and what he said to me just flipped me over the edge. It's almost like I had a spiritual revelation and perceived the spirit word. I no longer saw myself as purely physical. All of a sudden I was spiritual as well and because of the way it happened it was terrifying. And I just, at first I was in shock. Like I was just going along trying to help this other guy who was flipping out. And I sort of went to the ambulance and they couldn't really help. I said, can you take the effect of the drug out of us or something? And they're like, oh, you know, we can't really do much. And so I'm just driving us home and yeah, that's when it all started.

Speaker 4 06:21

Wow, that's amazing. And I think that can be a common experience for people who have mental health challenges. Not only can there be sometimes interaction with a drug that might trigger something, but also it being a spiritual experience. And I think that's really left out of our, perhaps the recording or the understanding of mental illness, is that it's actually a spiritual experience. You know, it depends how you see the world, depends what your view is and your values. But for me as well, it was actually like a kind of an alignment. I guess I probably, I haven't used that word, but something that allowed me to see the world differently and see myself differently. And that can be really confronting and really scary.

So it can still be like quite a scary experience, but it's not just this black and white, you know, you've got a chemical problem with your brain and then you take medication and like we'll fix it. You know, it's much more complex and nuanced and it's about what's happening in your life, what's happening in the world, all the stuff you're picking up from people around you and from the world and the environment, the energy that you're picking up. So it's really interconnected, I think as well.

Speaker 5 07:33

I think some people do actually have a psychotic problem with their brain, whereas with me it was more a realisation, like I had a spiritual awareness of spirituality, it wasn't just a thought or a thought process going wrong, it was all like my whole body was affected and even my chakra down in my stomach blew out and I could feel it radiating fear and I had never experienced that before, like I was just a physical person, you know, flesh and blood and all of a sudden I was walking around seeing energy and yeah it was quite, I didn't know the answers, I didn't know how to find any help and you know mum, eventually I went to mum's and I just collapsed in bed and I couldn't really, all I could do was sneak out and get muffins and eat them in my room, I didn't want to see anyone and so she called the doctor and they took me to the hospital in Wayne Greta.

Speaker 4 08:34

Wow. And so what sort of did the hospital and the hospital environment, did that make things worse? Or was that helpful in any way?

Speaker 5 08:44

I went through intense pain. I felt like I lost my will. The first night was terrifying. I didn't really know where I was. It took me in the middle of the night in the ambulance. So I sort of felt like I was in some German prison camp. They were all talking German accents and it felt very strange and there was people moaning and walking up the halls and I was just in bed and it felt like time. The whole night flicked by in a moment and it was morning all of a sudden and yeah and after that just I was just suffering. I couldn't lift myself off the couch and I could feel the weight of the universe pressing down on me like this in this crushing feeling like trying to just crush me and yeah I mean I can't really I couldn't eat and they were forcing me to eat.

I didn't want the meds and they were forcing me to meds and I was trying to explain you know how I was feeling and they weren't really listening saying no you're just false beliefs and really I was experiencing it's what I don't really like saying this but it's almost like I died and I thought I'd gone to hell or something and and I'd never get out of it. Later on I realised I just learned something you know and I was very upset by what I'd learned and it took me a long time to actually process that knowledge and come to the point where I felt comfortable in myself again.

Speaker 4 10:12

Well, you mentioned that feeling of being trapped, that sense of, you know, not having control as well of your circumstances and people forcing you to take medication or forcing you to eat. That must have been really hard. I think that's a big part of mental health challenges is that, you know, when we go through a traumatic experience, we often lose that sense of control over our environment and over ourselves and the illness can kind of cause that, but also our interaction with services can make it worse.

Speaker 5 10:44

Yeah well I was getting dragged off to bed and then I'd lie in bed and it felt like I couldn't feel the the ground or the bed and i was just floating in a vacuum which was crushing me so i was like um the meds made it worse and them talking to me made it worse and eating made it worse and then I just wanted them to stop but I was just yeah it was just like, no way out I just felt likeI mean I hadn't really got to the point where I thought um I'd recover or um you know it was just it took eight weeks before i started to feel like I don't know what it was i saw my mum and my sister I sat out just eating lunch with them and that that hopelessness started to abate a little bit maybe it was just time just that bit of time but yeah the meds initially just i lost all sensation of physical in my body I was just spiritual and yeah it was uh quite horrific, yeah.

Speaker 4 11:45

Oh my gosh, sounds like it. It sounds like you're a real survivor to have gone through all of that 

Speaker 5 11:53

And, you know, Yeah, that was just the initial thing and then you've got to deal with all the displacement, losing your friends, your family not understanding, trying to survive in a world you've got to take care of yourself, you know, on a pension which isn't much money, can't really work, you know, there's just the problems just keep mounting up, you know, and then you start with all the stigma, you get caught up with other people don't know you and they just, you know, harass you, yeah it can just go from worse to worse and then, but some good things happen to me.

Speaker 4 12:27

Yeah, it sounds like there are a lot of challenges, you know, even after the healing began. And I think that's really something that a lot of people experience, there's the, the impacts on your relationships with others, impacts on work, you know, you might not be able to work because you're not well enough, and then surviving on the pension or something similar. And then, as you said, there's all the stigma and how that can affect you and how that might affect how you see yourself as well. But it sounds like you said there was also some good things that happened, decided to happen.

Speaker 5 13:03

I got referred to this carer from outreach trinity from Wangaratta and i won't say names but she she gave me as soon as i met her i felt love all of a sudden i hadn't felt before and i felt like i'd met someone i never met before you know and maybe i thought she was an angel i didn't think that but i thought she was special i thought and i didn't think that would happen i thought i'd just be out of control and she started talking to me and yeah  by then i was sort of i was very sad i was downloading very sad songs, listening to them for comfort. i was watching formula one. my sister got me onto formula one she was a Jacques Villeneuve fan and i used to watch that and just maybe it was something to do with formula one that sort of took my mind off things it was something i hadn't watched before and i'd still be very upset with all the bad feelings i was feeling yeah and talking to this lady you know i got to know her a little bit and started to get to know her and i started feeling a bit of healing and i'd sort of make ice cream and start cooking and i was doing starting to do things around the house and...

Speaker 4 14:24

So it sounds like the turning point for you in your recovery and correct me if I'm wrong, but was actually receiving that love, that feeling of love from someone else.

Speaker 5 14:37

A little bit, but I was also in my house for a couple of years terrified to leave it and terrified I was going to pass what had happened to me onto my family or friends or somehow I'd make them like me as well just by being near them so I avoided everyone and even when mum come home I'd hide in my room and I think at the time was medicated but I couldn't yeah I didn't want to see anyone and and so I'd talk to this lady and we sort of try and come to terms with what had happened but I could see that she was suffering as well from what I was saying but then my dog went missing and I started to wander out of the house looking for him and I drive around town because I still have my license I drive around town looking for my dog.

And I ended up we ended up finding him his daddy got hit by a car but it got me out of the house it got me circulating around town a little bit so I ended up I'd go down the street and just have you know milkshakes or whatever and see a few people say hello and yeah you know it got that initially got me out and on the path to back into community again yeah yeah.

Speaker 4 15:47

Amazing. Oh, that's fantastic. And what do you think has helped, you know, more recently, like as this, you know, where do you feel like you are now in your recovery?

Speaker 5 15:58

Well a few years later I decided to go back to uni because I didn't quite finish my uni degree. I had all those exams due and this happened and I couldn't finish it. I tried to and I was in a real bad state trying to do my essays with the help of some of my friends there but I didn't end up finishing the last semester. So I tried to go back and complete it and I failed at an essay so I gave up. So from there mum came down, I was very sick at my sisters in Brunswick and she took me up to Darwin and that's where I started to heal.

I met a group called Team Health and Grow. I started to meet other people who'd been through things like I had and I didn't want to meet them at first and I don't want to be around crazy people you know like I'm normal I'm just having a spiritual thing I'd say to mum you know and so I just go along so I'd go along and I started to get to know some people and I could tell they were very unwell they're heavily medicated but at this centre called Day to Day Living in Rapid Creek I started to grow again I started to understand the grow program and I started to deal with all my problems and I started to share it with other people because I was terrified to tell anyone that what I'd say would affect them and I didn't want to hurt anyone you know I didn't want that to hurt them.

So I started to see it was just you know my problem really and they had their own and yeah it was a grow program Day to Day Living and it got me back not so I ended up working there I ended up getting a full-time job there as a secretary so it got me back basically functioning like I mean I didn't really see my old friends really that much after it all happened I went to a couple of weddings that's about all really.

Speaker 4 17:48

Yeah, that can be really sad when your lives kind of diverge into different paths with friends sometimes. Do you think that was, you know, largely because of you dealing with this kind of spiritual experience that they weren't able to understand that?

Speaker 5 18:03

Or you're living in separate realities, they're still on the physical, getting up for work every day and I'm wandering around trying to understand the universe and how I started trying to understand religion, which is a bad, big mistake really, gets you in a hell of a lot of trouble on Facebook.

Speaker 4 18:24

You mentioned actually that social media was tricky for you during this time.

Speaker 5 18:29

Yeah. Well, you're not relating on the same page. You're trying to, but really a few people there would say a few comments, but largely you're in separate universes. You know, you're not really participating the same social circles anymore. Yeah. Most of my friends by then had mental health problems and was sort of talking more about what they're going through in that. And these guys were having piss ups at the pub and, you know, they're talking about the kids at school, you know, it's like just totally, you know, and you look from their perspective, why would they want someone hanging around sort of unhappy and talking about how bad they feel?

It's just, it's not if I was in their position, I probably wouldn't want that either. But it's not always like that. I mean, you know, I was doing a lot of stuff, a lot of good stuff, traveling, going to the beach a lot, I go swimming a lot to try and keep healthy and keep relaxed because you get through a lot of stress. I just want to work off the medications. It's still making me feel terrible, like hopeless. And eventually I did and I got off them all.

Speaker 4 19:39

But off of the medication, that's, that's pretty safe. That can be a long road for some people and look for some people, medication is really important for them and integral to keeping them well. So everyone's different, but there are side effects with medication. So that's great that you're not having to take it. And so what you mentioned swimming, what other sort of hobbies and things do you have that you like to do?

Speaker 5 20:01

Largely media like music, videos, yeah I recorded like as a guitarist and a singer so expressing my voice was important. I don't do a lot of it now, sort of gotten a bit tired of it, maybe got too old or something or yeah but I never really wanted to be famous but I love playing music and I love making movies and videos and I did a lot of that at uni and yeah write my own songs I've got a soundcloud called living song which has got some on there if you want a google living song soundcloud I think there's a few different living songs so you've got to get one with a little underscore between.

Speaker 4 20:43

And do you find that music has been helpful in your recovery journey or? Yeah, well, yes, yourself.

Speaker 5 20:51

What can you do? You're sort of trying to survive out of place all the time. You're always trying to struggle against the norms and trying to fit in, but really, you're not accepted back in the mainstream all the time. You're sort of, oh, you know, one of these sort of people and really, you don't feel like it yourself, but maybe you don't quite look perfect. You got a fat tummy from the medications or you look a bit dopey, a bit sort of sleepy or something, you know, I felt like inside of me, I should be some fashion model and everyone else is looking at me like, you know, I'm Shrek or something.

Speaker 4 21:28

You know, I find, so I take quite a lot of different medications just at the moment. And they've made me put on like a lot of wage, like quite a lot of ground. So it's been important for me. Yeah. And that's really common with these antipsychotic or psychiatric meds. They often do that. But it is a weird thing when you don't feel like the way you look, like you're used to yourself being a different way. And then you feel, and you know, I mean, you know, we still look good, right? Yeah, yeah. You still look great, Evan. You still look great. But we sort of, it's weird when you think of yourself differently to how maybe you're actually looking now. I think that's one of the things that maybe isn't talked about enough.

That's like, really, you know, kind of an unfortunate side effect to the medications and something that, and it's another signifier, as you said, to like, make you feel different. And on the margins of society, like, knowing that you have sort of mental health problems that might make you feel a little bit different from other people, but now you're kind of looking a bit different as well. And so it's, it is definitely an issue, I think.

Speaker 5 22:31

Yeah, I think it's just another thing, because I see mental health as just being upset, that's how I see it. Your nerves are tingling, you're always upset by stuff because your life's not going well. And being overweight is another thing that upsets you, and the way people treat you is another thing that upsets you, and being Medicaid is another thing that upsets me, and when I get over all those things, I feel perfect.  It's just things upset me again, like something doesn't go well in the day, you know, I get upset, and so I feel that same feeling again of being upset again, and then, so yeah, when I get out and go swimming, I feel fine, away from those things that upset me, you know, or I might...

You know, I took off to the Red Centre on a bit of a whim, which was probably a bit frightening for my family, but it's something I had to do. I wanted to just test my survival skills in the outback, and I took off, I hitchhiked to Catherine National Park, I can't remember the name of the national park out there, and I went hiking through there for a month with just the bare minimum, I had a radio in my shoes and a backpack and a sleeping bag, and I ended up coming out of there a month later.

Yeah, changed me, I just changed my perspective, I'd given up on modern society for a month. I'd lost 35 kilos, I came out, I came out sort of renewed, and I just, I don't recommend it to everyone, it's quite a dangerous thing to do, but I'd prepared for it, I called it my SAS training, I did a smaller run, sort of navigating on a more friendlier terrain, I wasn't familiar with, but, and then I went for it, I went out to this national park, and yeah, I found my way back to Catherine, and I went back home, and I felt strong, I felt, you know, back to my old self in a way, but yeah, I don't recommend that method for everyone, there's probably other ways to do this, and just take off and have your family all worried about you.

Speaker 4 24:35

I think sometimes challenging ourselves a little bit, you know, can be really rewarding. And sometimes we're told when we haven't been doing this, like, you know, not to do things and take the medication and kind of take this safe road.

Speaker 5 24:49

Yeah, I'd rather take some risks, I'd rather take some risks and just sit at home and vegetate and be terrified to move or something, which is the other way I probably can go, you know. I feel sorry for people in that situation that feel they can't get out of there, but I just want to tell you, you can. You just take small steps towards your goals and take people's advice, but also take your own. Don't always just take the advice of everyone around you because doctors can be wrong. They can say, oh, there's no hope, you'll have to be on meds all your life, but you can say no. I disagree with that and I can get better and I just want to tell you it's possible.

Speaker 4 25:28

Well, that's a great message. Yeah. But sometimes when you're really in that hole, it's hard to see that, but you know, you're living proof that things improve and you grow and you learn. And that's life kind of, isn't it?

Speaker 5 25:42

I'm learning again, I'm going back to RMIT this next couple of years. I'm doing electronics and communications engineering and I'm enjoying it and there's nice people there. I haven't made any friends yet, but they're people that look like me and I feel like I can get along with anyone there. Nice people.

Speaker 4 26:03

That is so fantastic. Oh, Evan, it's been such a pleasure having you on the show. Thank you for those wise words at the end as well. And for all the work that you do have done for brainwaves. I know that you're taking a back step now this year, because all the things you've got on your plate with your new course, we wish you really well with that.

Speaker 5 26:25

Thanks very much, yep.

Speaker 4 26:27

That was Evan Douglas-Smith, we've been talking with Jasmine McLennan, and if you'd like to hear more of our shows, you can find them on brainwaves.org.au or 3cr.org.au or wherever you listen to your podcasts as well. If you'd like to send us feedback or suggestions for future shows, please reach out to brainwaves at wellwaves.org because we'd love to hear from you. Any suggestions are welcome. So thank you so much for listening, stay safe, and tune in next Wednesday at 5pm for another episode of Brainwaves.

Speaker 6 26:59

You've been listening to a 3CR podcast produced in the studios of independent community radio station 3CR in Melbourne, Australia. For more information, go to allthews.3cr.org.au